How to Prepare Yourself for the Millennial Uprising

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For years now, we’ve been hearing the whispers of rebellion, but now, more than ever, we need to face the reality: Millennials Are Coming.

 

I have taken it upon myself to create a shortlist of preparation “hacks” (as these DIY-loving youths would call it) in order to help you all help yourselves in the case of a localized Millennial Uprising.

 

  • Have a go-word. One that you can text to other members of your family/business to indicate that things have reached dire levels. To stay under the Millennial Radar, pick a word or phrase that is not often used by this age group like ‘manners matter’ or ‘I pledge allegiance to the flag’ or ‘good ole’ Margaret Thatcher’, she really knew what was up.

 

  • Have a go-kit. In this go-kit, have the essentials, of course, but also add in things that you can use to lure Millennials either to or away from you. These items include but are not limited to: anything rose gold, Spotify Premium memberships, avocado toast, promises of affordable healthcare, “I’m With Her” paraphernalia, and of course, the bait Millennial Hunters have been using for centuries – a Friends DVD box set.

 

  • Keep fancy pink shaving razors handy if you’ve got any women around. In a moment of crisis, the only way to tell female friend from female foe is whether or not her armpits are cleanly shaved.

 

  • Stockpile napkins. Once the Millennials have killed off this industry entirely, you can corner the market, and live comfortably selling your contraband paperware.

 

  • Learn the lingo. In the event of a Millennial Uprising, you may find yourself in a situation where need to blend in. If you don’t know what it means when the techie next to you says that they “can’t even” or the barista in your new knitting circle laughs at another barista’s story and says “tag yourself,” they could discover your true identity.

 

  • Finally, know how to identify a Millennial. Look for the tell-tale signs: tattoos of arrows or sparrows, glasses that your mother thought were cool in the fifties, beanies, flannel shirts, denim button-ups, ironic phrases on phone cases, Fair Trade Certified products, hand-me-down shoes, and cold brew coffee, to name a few.

 

They’ve come for the bar soap industry, for the fabric softener industry, for our blessed Applebee’s and Buffalo Wild Wings locations; we must stay vigilant and be prepared to protect ourselves from these free-thinking yuppie youngsters, or suffer the consequences.

 

 

 

 

 

This article was written by Maggie McAlister, who wants y’all to remember which generation is running the White House right now. (Hint: it’s not Millennials.) You can follow her on Twitter @madmaggs21.

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