(Mining Colony 612, CA) It was 7:30 on a Monday morning and you were waiting for the bus. It was late this morning. Or, since it was late every morning, maybe it was on time? Regardless, you made your way on just as you usually do and noticed it was busier than normal. Just as you were about to head to the standing area of the bus, a kind and handsome stranger offers you a seat next to him. Feeling relieved you can sit instead of surf, you accept his offer and take a seat next to him. Then, well, you know what happened next.

 

“Hi,” he said in the soft voice of a man enlightened. “My name is Michel. Thanks for joining me on this journey.”

 

“I’m sorry,” you replied, unsure of what to say. “Journey?”

 

“Yes, this bus journey we are on together. But quickly, there is not much time.” With this, he clasped your hand in a loving gesture and looked directly into your eyes. “I will tell you the Seven Secrets of Time, but you must promise me to only use them for good.”

 

Being of good soul and gumption, you accepted the terms wholeheartedly and awaited your blessing of the knowledge of the Seven Secrets. He began:

 

Secret one: you are not the being of your ancestors. you are anew.

 

Secret two: your blood has spilled on the floor. mop the floor with your tears. 

 

These are direct quotes by the way. I don’t really know how to explain this, but the way he spoke, you knew it was in italics. Sorry to interrupt, just kind of weird to be honest. Okay.

 

Secret three: there is no such thing as a beetle. there is only such a thing as a mind.

 

Secret four: running through the desert is not a choice you will ever have to make. that choice was never yours to make. your choice is in the desert. do you dare find it?

 

I don’t really even know if you can classify that last one as a secret. More of a weird quest than anything. OK, back to the “secrets.”

 

Secret five: the kingdom awaits for all who can survive the plague of humanity. 

 

Secret six: doors open both ways. so does also the brain of a man. 

 

Secret seven: the marrow of your enemies is yours for the taking, but only if you should so choose in your heart. 

 

So. What does all this mean? You have been pondering these Seven Secrets of Time ever since they were spoken unto you by this man beside you on the bus. Sleep has become a memory. You must unlocked the secrets that were whispered into your ear by this strangely beautiful man.

 

You want to know the truth? The real, honest truth?

 

He was probably on just a lot of drugs. Just a lot.

 

Cool. Well, that’s that. Go out there and live your damn life already.

 

 

 

 

 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who knew about the Seven Secrets of Time before they were cool. Everyone doing it now is just ripping off what I did first. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.