We are saddened to report that yesterday in his home hidden far under the melting ice cap, James Bond succumbed to his long battle with a dangerous combination of multiple STDs.
Bond, 64, enjoyed an extensive career of undercover(s) counterespionage, acting as Agent 007 for Queen and Country through his employment at MI6.
He is preceded in death by his wife, Tracy Bond, and is survived by co-workers and friends M, Miss Moneypenny, and Q.
In addition, he is preceded in death by Babes Jilly and Tilly Masterson, Paula Caplan, Fiona Volpe, Aki, Helga Brandt, Plenty O’Toole, Rosie Carver, Andrea Anders, Naomi, Felicca, Corinne Dufour, Countess Lisl von Schlaf, May Day, Paris Carver, Vesper Lynd, Strawberry Fields, and Sévérine, and is survived by Babes Honey Ryder, Sylvia Trench, Miss Taro, Tatiana Romanova, Zora, Vida, Pussy Galore, Bonita, Dink, Domino Derval, Patricia Fearing, Mademoiselle La Porte, Kissy Suzuki, Ling, Ruby Bartlett, Nancy, Tiffany Case, Bambi, Thumper, Marie, Solitaire, Miss Caruso, Mary Goodnight, Saida, Chew Mee, Anya Amasova, Log Cabin Girl, Holly Goodhead, Manuela, Private Jet Hostess, Melina Havelock, Bibi Dahl, Octopussy, Magda, Bianca, Stacey Sutton, Kimberley Jones, Pola Ivanova, Kara Milovy, Linda, Pam Bouvier, Lupe Lamora, Natalya Simonova, Xenia Onatopp, Caroline, Wai Lin, Professor Inga Bergstrom, Dr. Christmas Jones, Elektra King, Dr. Molly Warmflash, Jinx, Miranda Frost, Peaceful Fountains of Desire, Solange Dimitrios, Camille Montes, and the ever-memorable Bond’s Lover.
Statistically speaking, he is also likely survived by at least thirteen biological children.
Funeral arrangements are being kept under wraps to preserve the safety of his survivors.
This article was written by Maggie McAlister, who’s dad really, really likes the James Bond films. She would like to personally thank 007james.com for their comprehensive list of Bond Girls; it kept her from having to sift through way too many IMDb pages for this article. You can follow her on Twitter @madmaggs21.