Are you looking for the man of your dreams? A man who will transform your life into the image of happiness and never leave you nor forsake you. A man who will love you tenderly. A man who will bring you puppies in bed and breakfast on the toilet. Or you know, whatever you want. This is your fantasy, not mine. All of this, everything you dream of, is within your grasp. For a limited time only, the Mages of Palm Springs have revealed unto us the secret of love. It is, of course, Blood Magic.

The Mages of Palm Springs want you to know that Blood Magic spells are an affordable option for finding the man of your dreams. The process is simple, you merely take any man that’s around, perform a Blood Magic spell on him, unhinging a well deep inside him that will never stop screaming, and keep him as your love for the rest of your life!

Let us paint you a picture. A picture of the man of your dreams. He is tall, but not so tall that he bumps his head on the ceiling. He is kind when it is hard and tough only when necessary. You never see him go the gym, but he’s always in good shape. He makes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that make you know he had a childhood, but that are good enough to remind you he attended a 4 week culinary course last summer. This man could be yours.

The Mages of Palm Springs want to tell you that the man who was just described can be found under their free program. However, if you want a guarantee of said man of your dreams, you can pay a monthly fee of just $49.99 to have exactly the man you are looking for. Using their patented Blood Magic technology, the Mages of Palm Springs have harnessed something only referred to as “that which nigh god would look upon.” Apparently this source of perpetual damnation can also be harnessed for creating the exact man of your dreams.

Maybe none of this has been describing the man of your dreams. Maybe the man of your dreams is a woman. Maybe the man of your dreams is three women and two men. The Mages of Palm Springs are not here to judge your lifestyle choices. It is simply their job to  give you that which your heart (and by extension, blood) desires.

Find out more about the Mages of Palm Springs and their radical new product by listening to a willow tree. The willow tree will tell you all that you need to know, and more.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who was kicked out of the Mages of Palm Springs for not “getting it.” Whatever that means. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.