(St. Louis, MO) Stacy Gorbev woke up on Tuesday morning to a text from a friend she had not heard from in a few weeks. The text read, “Happy Birthday Slug Queen, Hope you have a great day!” Stacy didn’t know what to say, this was unprecedented. She had hoped for a simple Facebook wall post from her friend Monique, but a well-composed text had never been on her radar. Stacy knew she was valued as a friend and she was really excited about it. She had wanted to be friends with Monique for so long, it was finally coming, and on her birthday no less!
Stacy replied with a quick, “Thanks!” before getting up and taking a shower. Feeling freshened up, Stacy decided to make herself an omelet before work. As she was frying up her bell peppers, Stacy decided to check her phone again. Another text! This one was from her friend Marshall. All it said was “Birth, the beginning of the nightmare.” What was all of this? Everyone was making such a big deal about Stacy’s birthday and she had no idea why.
After finishing off her omelet with a grin on her face, Stacy made her way to the bus downtown to her job. She was new at the firm and didn’t expect much for her birthday, so when she exited the elevator to a loud “Surprise!” she truly was.
“Oh my gosh,” Stacy said, completely caught off guard. “I had no idea you even knew my name, much less my birthday. Thank you.” The rest of the office applauded and lifted her above their heads in a universal show of appreciation. They carried her into a conference room with a cake and a banner that read “The Prophecy will be Fulfilled This Day!”
Soon the festivities surrounding Stacy were done and the majority of the office went back to work. Stacy tried to help clean up, but Stu, head of the party planners brigade, told her to leave it. “Enjoy your day, hon. You deserve it.”
“Thanks Stu,” Stacy said, turning to leave. Suddenly she turned back and added, “I have to ask, what did that banner mean? About a prophecy being fulfilled? Seems like an odd thing to have at a birthday.”
“Oh, you haven’t heard the Prophecy of Divine Conquest?”
“No, what’s that?”
“It was foretold unto us by the keepers of various magicks and runes that a being would be born unto us on this very day,” Stu droned on. “It was said that this person would unite the beings of Earth to once again come together as One.”
“One giant slug of course! God, they really don’t teach you kids anything in schools these days, do they?” With this, Stu continued taking down various streamers and pieces of cake that had been thrown against the wall.
Stacy wandered aimlessly around the office, occasionally catching passing co-workers saying such things as “Bless the day!” and “Slug life is the life for me!”
All of this attention was becoming too much for Stacy. Doing what any millennial put under pressure does in such a situation, Stacy told her boss her stomach was hurting and hit the road. She didn’t stop driving until she hit the border. Monique was there, waiting for her. “Come my Slug Queen, we are going to run away from all of this.”
And that was the last either of them was ever heard from ever again. But I mean, to be fair, they’ve only been gone a day. We’ll let you know if that changes.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who can’t wait to be a part of something as new age as a giant slug! #Sluglife. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.