Yeah, hi. My name is Maram Lone and I recently received a box from Blue Apron that was full of nothing but spiders. Big spiders, small spiders, medium spiders, Devil spiders, pincher spiders, scurrying spiders. Pretty much every kind of spider you can imagine came pouring out of my box as soon as I set it down on my kitchen counter. I have no other option left to me but to write this open letter to the Better Business Bureau, in hope that they will help me out as they have this great nation. BBB, hear my plea.

My Blue Apron box was full of spiders, is this normal? Is this what we must come to expect from a government that no longer cares about the needs of its people? What are we, if not a collective making up what we call a nation. Why, I ask you, did spiders pour out of a box in frightening multitudes, leaving me emotionally scarred for life?

Because Blue Apron is a rogue organization of international spies, killing for sport.

Yeah, you read that right. I have a hunch that this meal kit delivery service might be engaging in one of the most high stakes games of political espionage in recent memory. Not only that, but they made me burn down my house because of all the spiders and I want a new house. So, yeah.

Hear my plea, Better Business Bureau. This can go on no longer. You must declare war on these terrorists and call them for what they are: a rogue organization of international spies, killing for sport. You must take their license from them and stop them at all possible points. I beg of you. The spiders haunt my dreams and I no longer sleep.

Please, BBB. You’re my only hope.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood who didn’t expect to get stressed out by the instructions to a meal kit box, but here we are. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.