The Grotto: God-kind’s greatest invention. Originally discovered by DJ Grotto in 1985, grottos are now one of the hottest vacation destinations for people looking to get lost in cave for a few months. Really figure out who they are. That sort of thing. Hoping to help you on your own search for the perfect underwater cave to meet your needs (on a budget, too!) we have put together 6 swamp grottos that we have our eye on this winter. Hurry up and make your reservations with your city’s local goblin before these grottos fill up for the season!

 

Now, let’s get into the grottos already!

 

(1) Grotto of Forgotten Fathers. Garth, IN. 

The Grotto of Forgotten Fathers is perfect for anyone looking to dance around a cave with glee. While the blue colors of this grotto’s sanctuary are anything but perfect, the haze smell of dying memories reminds one of days where things were simpler.

 

(2) Asad’s Retreat. Canton, OH. 

Asad’s Retreat is the perfect grotto for someone who enjoys going down stairs. While the opening to this grotto is much smaller than most, it is actually one of the largest grotto systems in the western hemisphere. Wander what have been labelled “The Stairs of Your Own Oblivion” by UTGrotto.org.

 

(3) Cliffs of January Chalk. Miami, FL.

Discovered by DJ Grotto’s apprentice DJ Trill, Cliffs of January Chalk bear the name of what historians will one day compare to DJ Trill’s grotto equivalent of Picasso’s Blue Period. He was really on a roll and very high on drugs those three weeks in which he discovered over 40 grottos in south Florida. What a legend.

 

(4) The Grotto of Unforgiven Sins. Kansas City, MO. 

Kansas City, a place known for their woeful disregard for laws and societal norms, is also home to one of the quaintest little grottos in our country. The Grotto of Unforgiven Sins does not accept you. The Grotto damns you, as it should, for you have committed crimes we dare not even speak. You shall find no refuge here, weary traveller. But you wouldn’t have come here if you didn’t already know that.

 

(5) The Grotto of Lesser Souls

Are you depraved? Like to roll around in the mud with your clothes on like a disgusting pig? Good! You will love the Grotto of Lesser Souls. We don’t have a firm location on where the grotto is at the moment, as it can only be found by finding a portal to another dimension, but if you do happen to find it, boy are you in luck! Those who find the grotto will live like kings. But, like all reigns, yours will surely come to an end. And it will be bitter. And it will be terrible.

 

PURSUE THE GROTTO OF LESSER SOULS AT YOUR OWN RISK.

 

(1) Hell Pit. Abyss, Void. 

Our final grotto on our list is Hell Pit, located in the Void near the Abyss. You will find this grotto in your darkest hour and although it may seem like heaven, trust us when we say those flowers are actual scorpions. Any vacation junky is sure to love wandering the Abyss for the winter months. Some love it so much they never leave. Actually, everyone loves it so much they never leave. You will never leave Hell Pit.

 

 

And that does it for our list. If you have your own suggestions, well then you can email eat@myshorts.com to hear what I think about it. Yep, that’s right. I went there.

 

 

 

 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who will probably just stick to his local grotto since he doesn’t like experiencing new things. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.