BREAKING NEWS: At 3:34 PM CDT, Pablo Sanchez, known for being the MVP of Backyard Baseball (and every sport that he puts his mind to) was exposed for using a concoction of the performance enhancing drug HGH with creatine, heavily diluted Monster Energy Drink, and Purple Flurp.
Flurp, made famous by the television show Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius, has been at the heart of many scandals over the past two decades, typically involving aging stars such as Chuckie Finster, Theodore J. “T.J.” Detweiler, and most shockingly, Señor Senior, Jr.
Neutron, now in his early 30s, was unable to be reached for comment on his role in the rise to fame of the addictive substance that would later become paramount in the downward spiral of the lives of so many.
Neutron’s companion and often partner-in-crime Sheen Estevez, however, could be, and was more than willing to reclaim some semblance of fame through being quoted in even the humblest of news sources.
“Purple Flurp almost did quite a few of us in back in the day,” Estevez, now 32, said as he took a drag off of what definitely smelled like a very cheaply made joint. “It’s medicinal,” he said.
“Libbs, she got so strung out on the stuff, she near had to give up college. Thankfully she got help for the addiction.” A shimmery glaze fell over Estevez’s eyes as he said the next words: “It’s a darn shame that Carl wasn’t able to beat it.”
Further investigation into the fate of the beloved nerd indicated that Carl Wheezer did a stint in prison after getting caught trying to steal money to fund his Flurp addiction. He is now running for the position of Governor of Indiana, and seems to be a shoe-in for the spot now that Pence has vacated the office.
“That’s all good and well,” you may be thinking at this point, “but what about Sanchez? What about our beloved Pablo? What will happen to Backyard Baseball?”
Never fear, dear reader. Pablo is an athlete at the top of his game. Nothing can touch him.
This article was written by Maggie McAlister, who should be doing homework right now. Remind her of that by tweeting at her through her handle, @madmaggs21.