(Springfield, IL) Area man and local lacrosse coach David Simmons only believes in a few things in this life. First, that America is the greatest country in the world. Second, that love is a constantly evolving process, not something that can be bought or won. And third, that Obama was secretly controlled by aliens the entire time he was in office. At least, that’s what the latest chain email he received from his drinking buddy Keith sent him, so obviously it must be 100% true and above poking holes in.
David wasn’t always like this, he actually used to enjoy “The Media.” After all, what is more fun than watching an Anderson Cooper story unfold before your eyes? This was all before David saw the light and threw away his past life of Media-believing. Now, he simply relies on Keith and other friends to send the truth to his inbox every couple of days or so.
The first email that caught David’s attention was titled “Fwd: OBAMA AN ALIEN? YUP.” In this email, Steve Bannon, who ghost-writes all chain emails, attacks the liberal media for covering up such an enormous scandal. In fact, he is so absorbed with his attack of the media that he doesn’t get to the juicy stuff until about three paragraphs in.
Just below paragraph three we learn that in 2009 a rogue UFO crash landed in the North Dakota plains. What has now been labeled a CIA dark zone was basically a war zone in ’09 as the aliens who landed fought initial responders sent to the site. After capturing the local police chief, these aliens, in a very cliche way, asked to meet the leader or else.
Not wanting to upset these visitors from another world, local farmer and polygamist Jane Groupon hitched up her horse-trailer to her truck and drove the aliens along with their captors straight to the capital, D.C. Only once they were there did these aliens unveil their true plan: to brainwash the President.
According to the chain email coming from StevieBoy@TheTruth.org, the aliens put Obama under a spell in 2009 and have still not given up control. However, now that they no longer have control of the U.S., the aliens have gotten bored and will soon return to their home planet. All due to the fearless leadership of our current president and non-alien, Doynald Glump.
With this information now dominating his brain, David has given up believing in the so-called “Media” and only gets his news from chain emails like this one. “I just never know who to trust,” David told Eritas Daily. “So I figured, might as well trust the anonymous mass emails I get in my inbox instead of actual journalists, because like, what do they know?”
Well put, David.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who doesn’t need any more proof than this. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.