(Washington, D.C.) Down, but not out. Knocked out, but never unconscious. Bernie Sanders, the comeback kid, can still win this thing. I know that the election happened almost a year ago and yes, I know that Bernie was not even a major party candidate, but, according to a secret that the local moss witch told me, he still has a chance to win it all. The whole enchilada. The big job. Here, is how Bernie can still win.
According to the local moss witch that is often seen roaming the more marsh-y bits of downtown D.C., the key to Bernie’s unlikely presidency lies within the hearts of the voters. Sorry, not the hearts, the souls. Much different.
You see, every person has just a little bit too much soul. Some people use their extra bit of soul to spend time volunteering. Others use it to cause social change. But, according to the local moss witch, if enough people were to take that extra bit of soul and combine them into a Megasoul, Bernie just might have a chance.
Now, I know you might be concerned about what losing part of your soul will mean for your day to day life. Well, very much like kidneys, souls aren’t really necessary for living. More gravy on top of a mash potato life, if you will. In fact, many famous overlords, both reptilian and otherwise, do not have souls. But of course, you already knew that.
There should be no reason why you, a sane and normal, educated voter shouldn’t be able to give up a little bit of your soul for us to all undo the whole mess that has been the last 11 months. I’m not saying that things with Bernie would be better, but I probably wouldn’t be so depressed if I wasn’t always worrying about healthcare and paying off my college debt, so you know, tomato tomato.
If you would like to contribute part of your soul to the Megasoul for Bernie campaign, just whisper to your local moss witch the secret pass code “Gilnip.” The rest will be taken care of by forces you won’t understand. Thanks.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who gave his bit of soul up for a really good sandwich. Hashtag worth it. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.