Report: Uncrustables Target Audience Surprisingly Worms


According to a recent report by the Better Health Foods Society for Better Food Health, the target audience for the care-free snack Uncrustables is surprisingly worms. Yep, worms. Apparently, not only are worms organized enough that they can purchase things, but they do so at such rates that they have become a family favorite’s target audience. How these worms are getting their hands on so many Uncrustables is beyond us, but the Market has thus dictated, and thus we must move forward.


You might be wondering, “How could these worms affect my life?” Well, if you don’t know what’s going on with worms, you’re not up on the times. But, more specifically to this report, the worms are now eating the entire world supply of Uncrustables. This by itself is not that big of a deal, because it turns out we don’t really need Uncrustables kind of like we don’t need tigers, but the problem is what comes next.


What happens when we run out of Uncrustables? What will these worms turn to for their next food source? Humans? It’s possible. Everything is possible and that’s the scary part of life baby, so strap in. But why does worms going after humans seem any less probable than them going after Uncrustables? Exactly.


Call your senators. Tell them to vote no to worms. Thank you.






This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who would like to go on the record as pro-worm. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.


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