Report: More Tractor Tires Now Used By CrossFit Gyms Than Actual Farmers


(Washington, D.C.) It is to the nation’s capital that we go to find the capital of another nation: CrossFit Nation. Founded in 2000 by Greg Glassman, CrossFit Inc has spread across the country as a way to get fit without going to a gym. Instead, you go to an old autoshop and throw some big tires around. Believe it or not, so many people are going to throw old tires around that we have received report that more tractor tires are now being used by CrossFit gyms than actual farmers. Talk about a revolution.


In order to get to the bottom of this, we interviewed three farmers and three CrossFit trainers to get their opinion on the situation. All of them are women and all of them are lesbians, this is only interesting because it wasn’t planned. Here is what they had to say.


“Most of the farms we tend are pretty much run by drones at this point,” explained Gwen Gilligan, farmer. “I don’t even know what we would need the tractor tires for, so I don’t really get what the big deal is.”


“I can’t get enough of these tires and neither can my clients,” exclaimed Danielle, CrossFit coach. “I need more tires. I need more tires dude, get me more tires.”


“I miss the tires,” Jill Cunningham, farmer.


“Look, if there was anything else that could do for my clients what a tractor tire does, I would use that instead,” explained Mura Sithar, CrossFit coach. “But there just sadly isn’t and I know it may not win me any favor amongst the local community, but I don’t really care, so…”


“I’m glad you brought this up,” began Charlie, farmer. “I am starting a task force of farmers, like the minute men of old, to go to the surrounding CrossFit gyms and steal our tires back. Now, I know this sounds crazy, but I have a plan. You see, most CrossFit gyms are under the false impression that they can leave their tractor tires unattended and live a life free of consequences. Well, they are mistaken. Tonight, Friday the 13th, we are going to meet up at my buddy Dave’s house and then march together into town to steal back our tires. If you want to join us, meet us under the bloodsoaked moon at the Wolf’s hour to fulfill your destiny.”


“Yeah, some farmers came through here the other day talking about a bloodsoaked moon or something,” said Kim Ferris, CrossFit coach. “I told them to leave my tires alone unless they wanted to pay another teenager to steal one for me like I did.”


A mixed bag, but it seems like this might not be that big of a deal. Sorry. Our bad.





This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who will see you beneath the bloodsoaked moon. Follow him for more moon talk on Twitter @NPEllwood.



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