(Roswell, NM) Here’s the thing, I originally moved to Roswell because I heard that this was the place to get abducted. Although it has been a great 27 years and I don’t mind the friends, family, and close relationships I have gathered in that time, I ultimately came here for a purpose. To get abducted. And, if no aliens show up soon and finally seal the deal, I’m just going to have to do it my damn self.

This isn’t the first time I have thought about abducting myself. Back in 97 I was in over my head with some bowling shoe salesmen and almost had to go on the lam. Thankfully, my pal Bing Crosby’s ghost showed up just in time for me to escape with my toenails. But at the time, abduction did seem like a reasonable option. And now, as time goes on, the itch is slowly coming back.

I think that I would do it on a Tuesday. It’s still early in the week, so people usually still have their spirits in tact. Tuesday just seems like the kind of day you could just disappear on, you know?

So, to make it believable, I would go to work at the usual time but then around lunch tell my boss I was going to an emergency dentist appointment. Then, I would go to my car, where I would have stored my go-bag. Then, I would just drive deep into the American wilderness and pick up a gig waiting tables at a diner out of a Coen brothers film. No one would miss me, really.

Then, the best part. I would start a blog online written under a false name claiming to live in Roswell. I would then lead the authorities (and America, I’m assuming this will go viral) to discover that I had been abducted by aliens. They would find just the right clues in just the right order because I planned everything down to the minute. I will live the rest of my life in peace and I will finally ascend.

So yeah, that’s the plan for if aliens don’t show up in the next couple of months. I’m just tired of waiting and want to just do it already. Every time life gets too stressful I move the date up two weeks in my calendar.

Well, wish me luck I guess.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who definitely would be down for a light abduction. Just kidding, that sounds horrible. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.