(Southern California, USA) According to a recent report published by the Youth Census Bureau, teens and even tweens are going through their Red Hot Chili Peppers phase at earlier and earlier ages. This has become so prevalent nationwide that it has been described by some as “alarming” and others as “some no good garbage.” What are we going to do with our kids becoming obsessed with Southern California for a brief period of time at such an early age? Will their entire life be thrown off track by this premature attraction? Let’s over-analyze it.
While the Red Hot Chili Peppers feel almost eternal, they in fact only began jamming their good and hearty tunes in 1983. Due to this relatively recent inception, we only have 34 years worth of data compared to a more mature band image like say The Beatles or Simon and Gandalf. But still, even with this limited scope we can say for certain that the age of new Peppers listeners is taking a sharp drop. What happens when babies start listening to RHCP in the womb? Is that a world that you want to live in? I, for one, do not.
Think about how cool every kid will be. Listen, as cute as that sounds, we can’t have cool kids. Kids have to be nerds and dorks in order for them to appreciate their later years where they ease into coolness. Kids can already be merciless, imagine they think that they are better than you. You’ll have wished you had done something about this whole Dani California nonsense back when you had the chance.
But, what can be done? I’m glad you asked, I have a plan. You see, I have found that the opposite of the Red Hot Chili Peppers is none other than Linkin Park, as far as a child’s brain is concerned. What you need to do is start letting them listen to a few classics like Numb or Crawling and get them down that rabbit-hole. This will buy you a few more years before your kid goes through their Chili Peppers phase, restoring the natural order.
Other than that, just, you know, don’t mess up your kid. That’s easy, right?
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is a firstborn unicorn, whatever the hell that means. Follow him on Twitter @NPEllwood.