(Madison, WI) I cannot believe this. Those darn millennials are up to their old tricks and have done it again. I almost cannot even relay to you the anger that I am feeling in this moment of righteous fury. The first time, I was like, OK, haha, funny prank. But this is the eleventh occurrence and I am starting to get tired of it. I am telling you, good people of Madison, greater Wisconsin area, and the world: millennials came into my home and put gum behind all of my paintings and I am irate.

Like I said, the first couple of times I was of course annoyed, but nothing like this. I simply told the millennials that they were not welcome in my home and that they should never return. But then, just like clockwork, to the point where the regularity of it became the most degrading part, the millennials would come into my home and, no matter who else was there with me, would pull out their chewing gum and put it behind my paintings.

And that’s another thing. I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I have a dope-ass art collection and I am literally losing money every single time these vandals put their chewed up wads on these very valuable collectors items. I almost ate my shoe when I thought one of them had touched my Basquiat, but even millennials have enough class to know not to touch that piece.

Actually, the worst thing about it is that they write messages with the gum. It’s not enough that they stick it on there, getting both the frame and the wall all gross and sticky, but they have the audacity to spell out hurtful messages. The last one said “Eat the heart of your god.” I haven’t been able to sleep with that rattling around in my brain. It’s horrible.

So please, I am begging you, millennials, stop doing this. I am not sure what kind of sick enjoyment you are getting out of this but it has to stop. I’m an old woman, I don’t deserve this.

#stopthegum.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is a millennial, but he is not obsessed with writing hidden gum messages behind gen-xers paintings. That’s some other millennial nonsense. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.