(Portland, OR) Yeah, hi Jan. I know that you are super excited about literally creating life or whatever, but we need to talk. I was hanging out with you and your new baby Sook the other day and I noticed something that I thought I should bring to your attention. While Sook is a very cute and wonderful baby, no one is denying that, I’m just afraid that she might not be socially conscious. I’m sorry to be the one to bring this up, but is she woke?

I know, I know. There are more important things to life than being woke. Oh wait, no there isn’t. What are you thinking, Jan? Raising a child in this day and age who isn’t woke will just lead to bullying and degradation from the more woke kids. You don’t want that for little Sook do you?

And what’s more, what kind of preschool will accept a non-woke baby? This is Portland, after all. Only the wokest kids are allowed into our prestigious preschools. Without our preschools, no one will want to move to Portland. That’s why people live here. Definitely not the fact that weed is legal.

Additionally, my daughter Jamilah is already woke and I would hate for you to feel jealous of her. Just last week, she said he first word, which was fracking. Followed by her second and third words “is bad.” It’s just that me and Devin both try really hard to teach her the horrors of the world as soon as possible so that she can start fighting them as early as possible, you know? And unless we all do this with our kids the world is going to be a messed up place for a much longer time than we all want it to be.

So yeah, I only want to tell this to you Jan because I consider you a friend and I wish the best for you and your family. The wokeness of us all is the way to enlightenment, don’t mess this up for me.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who has been woke since the day he was born. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.