Hi. My name is Javier and I am here to tell you about this hip new thing called self-care. You may have heard this talked about by your hip friends that are always “taking care of their mental health” or whatever, but I am here to tell you about why self-care is great for an entirely different reason. Here, let me paint you a picture. I did nothing today. Literally nothing. But, I called it self-care and no one can judge me. How cool is that?

I discovered this when I was living with my ex. He would call into work all the time for “mental health days” and just stay home watching Netflix and hanging out with me. I couldn’t believe it. It was like a “get out of work free” card. You know, like in Monopoly how you can win a get out of jail free card, but this is like where you get out of going to your job so I called it a get out of work free card. You know?

Well, I took my ex’s lead and started calling into my office so often for these mental health days that I was eventually let go. The office, they told me, had tried to reach me over and over. I guess I had missed it since I was pretty deep into NCIS at the time. Regardless, they figured I had skipped town, a common occurrence at my employer, Joann’s. Instead of waiting to see if I showed back up, they promptly fired me and hoped I would never return.

Fair enough. But, then I had another idea. Obviously this self-care thing was big enough that people were allowed to leave work in order to take care of themselves. I thought, “Anything that can get people out of work must be a pretty big deal if it slows the capitalistic process and no one cares. I think I have something here.” Then, I went home and took a nap. For me.

When I woke up from my nap 11 hours later I had a plan. I decided that I was going to become a self-care coach. I have started a blog and I want all of you to follow it. The url is currently http://www.BrandonFlowersFan.blogspot.com, but I am working on getting that updated to my new blog title “Self-Care Guru Boy.”

So far, most of the content I have planned involves me taking a lot of naps and avoiding my responsibilities because I had responsibilities. Then, I’ll write about it. That’s the most important part. You see, weird people have been doing weird shit since the beginning of time, but now that we can document our weirdness, people will pay us. As in money. Yeah, talk about a loophole, right?

So yeah, subscribe to my blog. That’s the moral of the story.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is all for self-care, but more interested in self-bear. This is where you, yourself, fights a bear to see if you could win. Spoiler alert: you can’t. Follow him for more BEAR FACTS on Twitter @NPEllwood.