Yes that’s right, you read it correctly. Recently announced by the man JC himself, there is a sequel to the Bible coming out: The Bible 2. Word from the Holy Spirit is that this new part of the Bible canon tells all and gets up in everyone’s business. “Forget what you think you know about the apostle Paul,” advertises the quote on the front of the box attributed to “The Big Guy.” So far, this is all that we know about what scholars are calling “unprecedented” and “unnecessary,” but we have a few ideas about what we think it should be about. With that we humbly present our 5 ideas for the plot line of The Bible 2.
The Bible 2: Lost in New York.
Our first idea for The Bible 2 is loosely based on a beloved Christmas movie, American Psycho. It starts with a conversation between Jesus and God, similar to the beginning of It’s a Wonderful Life, where Jesus bets God that he can become President of the United States. God thinks he’s full of it and the Holy Spirit joins him for double or nothing. Jesus accepts and becomes born as a Jewish immigrant in New York in the 60s. He doesn’t become President, but he does meet some wacky friends along the way and learn a thing or two about the meaning of Christmas.
The Bible 2: Blade Runner 3
Shocking the world with his superior brain, Ridley Scott has announced that he will be heading up the latest Bible project. “Yeah, I mean it makes sense in my tuna fish mind. You see, Jesus comes back to join the Blade Runner’s in killing off the robots. In the first Bible, he dies for our sins, but in the Bible 2, he saves us from the robo horde. Don’t worry, there will be unnecessary sexualization of every single female character. It wasn’t hard, there’s only two of them.” Oh right, Ridley Scott sucks at writing women. I forgot.
The Bible 2: A Void Full of Dreams
In Ava Duvernay’s most ambitious project yet she aims to juxtapose a void full of dreams and the Judeo-Christian experience. While some are worried that this will be too cerebral for most audiences, she doesn’t care and told the white man who wrote the article to “eat some peanuts.” Got em. We, on the other hand, cannot way to see her vision.
The Bible 2: Glow Dance Thunderdome
This one really goes off the rails. In this version, Jesus is actually dead the whole time and comes back at the life to live forever on Earth. At first it seems cool, but then he realizes that he can never die. The entire world follows his doctrine, but, then the entire world dies. He has to stand there, walking a world that he saw the rise and fall of, completely alone.
The Bible 2: The Serious One
Unlike the original Bible, this one is super serious. While the first one was super fun and all about love and stuff, this one is all about death and suffering. There is some pretty good stuff in there, but it’s all rather dark. Like those Bojack episodes that make you feeling empty, that kind of good. That being said, we can’t publish it. It reveals too much. Actually, we never should have mentioned it. Forget this happen. Redact this from your brain.
So, yeah. Take any of these and run with them, God.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who loves Jesus, but you know, like a friend. Follow him on Twitter @NPEllwood.