(Northeast, USA) Hey listen up scumbag. I am sick and tired of people telling me to speed up or move more quickly while I am crossing the street. Where’s the fire, huh? What’s the big hurry? I am going to take my time getting across the street safely and you can wait a few more seconds for me to do that at a speed that is comfortable to me. They give me 40 seconds to cross the street, you better believe I’m gonna get my money’s worth.

This is the problem with the world. You see that? No one has time for anything anymore. Everyone is always Twittering this and Snaptexting that. I am sick of everything in this whole world. Nothing helps me relax. Other than baked beans. Baked beans are the best snack.

I’ll tell you another thing, back in my day men weren’t like they are now. They were so much worse. Men used to think that they could survive on shear masculine driver alone but no I say. Men must survive on love and art and kindness and companionship and music and rainy days like the rest of us. No longer can men survive on violence and ignorance and anger and rage and gun shows. It won’t last.

We need a change in this world where I can take my time walking across the street. All 40 seconds ya bum, nothing more, nothing less. I’m getting my money’s worth and that’s all I have to say about that.

But you know, if you want to talk about some of the stuff that might have stuck with you from paragraph 3, meet me behind the Old Shed and I’ll show you the meaning of life my guy. I’m serious.

Meet me behind the Old Shed.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who loves the trope of older people in movies and TV shows referring to “The Facebook” and “The Suffering Palace.” Like, grandma, it’s just Facebook and Suffering Palace. There’s no “The.” God. Follow him on The Twitter @NPEllwood.