We, here at the editorial staff of Eritas Daily have some news for you. In the interest of full disclosure, we received this information days ago and have been debating amongst ourselves whether to tell you about this. After all, this will change your entire world. What sort of responsibility do we have to the news that we must break down a fellow human in search of, what exactly? Fame? Glory? Let’s just say that it is not with a light demeanor that we present to you the following news: Jeff Goldblum is your father.

We ran the DNA tests over and over because we could not believe the news for ourselves, but yes, it turns out that Jeff Goldblum is in fact your father. In the end, the reason for the hot debate mainly boiled down to two things. One was that it would turn up the ground from whence you planted your seeds, showing no regard for the fallout. But on the other hand, it would be cool to tell people that your dad was in Jurassic Park. In the end, we decided the coolness of that outweighed any other factor by a factor of ten.

So, yeah. We have no way for you to get in touch with Jeff and we still aren’t sure if he knows that you exist, but, yeah. Jeff Goldblum is your father. Do with that what you will.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood who is not related to Jeff Goldblum, but him and Kanye West take the same anxiety medication, so it’s basically the same thing. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.