(Houston, TX) Let me tell you a story about something that is near and dear to your heart. Now, I will preface this by saying that you may not want to read this story, but that is too bad. You are an adult and you have to live with the truth even if you don’t want to. And the truth is that giant inflatable men, sometimes referred to as “Tube Men” or “Tall Boys,” have a surprising dark past. You may know them now as a fun reminder of the weird stuff capitalism produces, but not too long ago they were destroyers of worlds.
Known to Egyptians as Apep and Hindu as Shiva, giant inflatable men were once a league of gods tasked with reigning chaos on entire worlds. They were notorious for showing absolutely no mercy to their victims and slaying entire solar systems with the flick of their giant arms. It wasn’t until a legendary soul, known only to history as “The Brave One” was able to bring them down.
The Brave One, it is told to us, was born outside of time. With no restraints on when exactly they needed to exist, The Brave One could jump through centuries as if it were a field of lilac. Occasionally The Brave One would stop and see what was happening whenever and wherever he was in the universe. It just so happened that one of those times The Brave One took a break that they saw the giant inflatable men coming to destroy our galaxy. The Brave One took pity on us and decided to meddle in events for their own amusement.
Just as the giant inflatable men were going to destroy our entire system, The Brave One trapped them in an impenetrable casing that only beings of a higher dimension can see. Instead of destroying our world, they simply fell through our atmosphere and became what they are today: advertising for used car dealerships. The lowest duty in existence.
Every day we see them on the road, waving back and forth and we think it must be the wind. No. You are a fool if you believe the lies you have been told. Those giant inflatable men are struggling to be free. Every time they swing around it is out of pure desperation to escape their eternal prison.
And here is the truly scary part folks: research says that they might be closer to escaping than we think. In fact, the Houston City council recently banned all giant inflatable men within city limits so that when they finally free themselves they won’t be coming after Houstonians. No, they’ll remember who laughed at them when they were trapped. They will remember the fools.
Until then, just don’t set up one of these dudes in our city. Like, come on. Don’t be that guy, you know.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who used to destroy worlds, but it got old so I started making them. I’m talking about Minecraft ya normos. Follow him for sweet Minecraft tips on Twitter @NPEllwood.