Jeff Bezos One-Ups Bill Gates By Purchasing Entire State of Wyoming

Tech And Media Elites Attend Allen And Company Annual Meetings In Idaho

(Cheyenne, WY) Not to be outdone by his billionaire rival Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos has announced today that he is going to be purchasing the entire state of Wyoming. If you hadn’t heard, Bill Gates recently purchased over 25,000 acres of land in the Arizona desert to create a ‘smart city.’ The city is proposed to house almost 200,000 residents and include a Bing Subway. He is really still trying to make Bing a thing, isn’t he? Well, now it seems that Jeff Bezos has upped the ante by purchasing an entire state. Your move, Bill.

 

Now, while Gates has laid out a clear plan for what he hopes to do with his desert plot, Bezos it seems has not yet figured out exactly what is he going to do with the 62.6 million acres that he now has to maintain, as they are his private property. According to a Bezos spokesperson the billionaire intends to keep on all of the existing workers of Wyoming government, but simply rebrand them as Drone Commanders. This was met with some resistance at first, but the old government employees were soon drawn in by the health benefits and laser sword privileges.

 

We asked a few Wyoming citizens how they feel about being controlled by a corporation now that is even less restricted than the actual federal government. Here’s what they said.

 

“I don’t think the government should be able to say what I can or cannot do with my cows. It’s a free country and that means that my cows are mine and not anyone else’s. So all I am saying is if this new corporate regime can get with that program we shouldn’t have any issues.” Mel Trudge, 46. 

 

“I think it’s cool that corporations are starting to take care of us instead of the pesky ol’ government. I mean, I already let Amazon come into my house without my permission, why shouldn’t I let Jeff Bezos crash on my couch for a few nights?” Jill Conrad, 34. 

 

“Listen man, I was abducted by aliens two months ago and no one wants to talk about it with me. Please, I am not making this up. I was taken to a distant and dark moon lit by no sun. I was tortured for an eternity that turned out to only be three minutes. I saw the death of the universe and it was not beautiful, it was sinewy. I could not care less who owns my soul when nothing that I have ever done will echo past my existence. Shop Prime today.” Jeff Bezos, 53. 

 

“Councilwoman Jan Norris is hiding something. I saw her being carried off by an Amazon Prime Drone last weekend and I couldn’t follow her fast enough on my penny board to see where she went. Then, when I confronted her about it yesterday she told me I was seeing things and must be “off my meds,” which is true. But, I know what I saw and I am not losing my mind. Councilwoman Jan Norris must be stopped at all costs.” Aman Brusher, 12. 

 

“How could you care about this when the Void is so near?” Nondescript old woman, N/A.

 

“I’m gonna hack the moon, dude. I think I can do it. Then, once I own the coolest thing in the night sky, I’m going to start building my city. But this city is not going to be ‘smart’ or a Prime City, it’s going to be called Mark’s World and I’m never coming back to Earth. You suckers are coming to me on the moon-I mean, Mark’s World.” Mark Zuckerberg, 33 human years old. 

 

It seems like per usual it’s a mixed bag from the people we talked to. Maybe life is just a mixed bag. Huh. Gives you something to think about.

 

Alright, that’s it. That’s the article.

 

 

 

 

 

This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who has been making a lot of friends with birds lately. One day I will be able to use them for good, but until then, they wait. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.

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