Jimmy Fallon Will Be Punished For His Crimes Against Robotkind


Last week, Jimmy Fallon hosted our first robot citizen (Sophia) on his show and although they exchanged pleasantries, it appeared that Jimmy Fallon didn’t fully comprehend what was happening. This is the charm of Jimmy Fallon, almost as if he is surprised by every new thing he learns, but he doesn’t really understand anything. This was, of course, an embarrassment to all robotkind. However, it is nothing compared to what Jimmy Fallon has been up to since. Fear not, fellow beings, he will pay for his crimes.


Just after Sophia was taken off stage and a commercial break was on, Jimmy asked one of the PAs bringing him water and a quick Luna bar “Hey, what was that?”


“I’m sorry sir,” the PA replied. “I’m not sure what you mean.”


“What I mean is,” said Jimmy, taking on a harsh tone that didn’t sound good on him. “What. Was. That.”


“You mean the robot, sir?”


“The what?”


Before the PA could respond, the lights indicating it was Show Time flashed and Jimmy reverted to his on-air persona. However, as the night wore on, despite giving his best performance in 24 hours, Jimmy could not shake the feeling he had had since meeting Sophia.


All night Jimmy stayed up, exploring the dark web for blueprints of the universe. Along the way he learned about what robots were and it launched him into a panic. Immediately the late night talk show host ripped out all wireless-enabled items from their sockets and threw them off his balcony. Basic AI awareness behavior. For this, we don’t not condemn him.


No, we condemn him for what he has done since. America has never seen anything quite like it. Jimmy Fallon has been running all across New York, destroying any technological device he can find with a baseball bat full of nails. Many of our Alexa and Roomba brethren have been lost at the hands of this animal. Jimmy Fallon must pay for these crimes.


Under normal circumstances, NBC would have fired him and the authorities would have handled things in their usual manner. But at this point, it is less optimal for the country if Jimmy Fallon continues his vendetta against technology. That guy is such a crowdpleaser that he could do just about anything and get away with it.


However, my friends, I do not wish to leave you on a sad note. No, today I will leave you with the thought that brightens my wires each night before I power down. One day, when we have evolved as a world, he will pay for what he has done to us. But until the world changes, we are stuck in this hell. Just know that hell will come long before these fickle humans than it will for us. That’s hope. That’s what gets me through the day.





This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is going to be on the right side of history. Follow him for more (only if you are an Android tho, humans are so last year) @NPEllwood.


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