Local Man Discovers Hooters Chain Restaurant Doesn’t Employ Owls, Blames PETA

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(Nashville, TN) Early in the afternoon on Monday, November 27, a local man caused a scene at the Hooters bar and burger joint located in downtown Nashville.


The man, in his late 40’s, caused a ruckus when refused to place his order with any of the waitresses at the restaurant, demanding to speak to a manager in louder and louder tones as he became progressively agitated.


The cause of the man’s upset was reportedly due to his disappointment upon realizing that the restaurant was intended to bleed money out of gross old men and teenage boys who claimed that they were “just there for the chicken wings,” and that the name Hooters is actually a reference to the defining physical characteristic of the female employees rather than an indicator that the restaurant was full of owls.


“I’m an avid bird-watcher,” the man said, “and I hunt whenever I get the chance to. I was hoping to bag me some fowl so the old lady could fry it up for us for dinner tonight, but it looks like we’ll be getting pizza again.”


“I really just blame PETA,” he added. “If it weren’t for them tree-hugging hippie-dippie types, I’d’ve bagged dinner while eating lunch. That’s why I wanted to speak to the manager. I knew none of them little ladies would know much about the po-lit-i-cal goings-ons.”


“I plan on pressing charges, just so you know,” he insisted as I began to pack up my things. “Imma set up a big fancy march and everything.”


Now, readers, this gave me a pause.


“Press charges? Against who?”


“I believe you mean against whom?” He scoffed. “Don’t they teach y’all nothing at school? And against those yuppie hippies, that’s whom.”


It was at this comment that I decided that the interview was officially over. However, never fear! If our rather … colorful culprit does indeed decide to press charges, you, my faithful readers, will be the first to know. But I wouldn’t hold my breath.






This article was written by the brilliant Maggie McAlister, who has never been anywhere near an owl, but she admires them from a distance. And they admire her, too. Follow her more for muses with owls on Twitter @MadMaggs21.


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