(Tulsa, OK) We bring to you today a breaking news report. I know that you are probably tired of bombshells, but get ready because we have one more for you. According to a report that was recently declassified by the CIA, homeschooling is and always has been a myth created as a way to mask a global conspiracy. This disinformation campaign began with prominent figures in the Christian movement advocating for teaching students at home as a way to escape the secular nature of America’s public schools, but the real reason was much more sinister: to create an army of mole people.

You read that correctly. According to the report originally written by Skiffs McGuff, the CIA was working with families dedicated to American values to create an army of mole people for a purpose not yet revealed. In the report there is almost no question of what the United States would need with this mole-person army, but it did seem extremely urgent that this be done and that they be trained for anything.

Lead by ex-generals of the U.S. military that had nothing better to do, from the 60s up until as recent as 2012, families were being recruited by the thousands to join under the guise of ‘homeschooling.’ Instead of any semblance of formal education, the families were taken to vast underground caves and let loose. The CIA believed that the best way to turn these ordinary citizens into mole soldiers was by letting them grow accustomed to the dark environment and then find their own way out.

This turned out to be true. The ‘homeschooling’ (and by homeschooling here I mean learning how to be a mole person hundreds of feet beneath the earth’s surface) families were exceptionally good at getting out of tight, underground situations. They were so good that they one day suddenly disappeared into the dirt to the great disappointment of the CIA.

In fact, we reached incumbent CIA director Mike Pompeo for his feelings on this recent news. He said it was a “damn waste of 50 years” and seemed visibly upset recalling the memory. We didn’t ask him more since it seemed to be a touchy subject. So we finished the dinner and split the check, promising to do this again but neither of us intending to do so.

Although we are glad that homeschooling has been exposed for the lie I always knew it was, it does leave us asking: where have those mole people gone? According to the report, the experiment had been by all measures a success. The mole people were almost ready to be put into the field when they disappeared, so this should be a big concern to CIA, but they seem to have moved on.

Is this mole person army a rogue nation? How will we see them coming, should they choose to attack? And more importantly, do you think they will let me join?

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who was moleschooled-I mean homeschooled. Chill out, what are you, the Reichsschulpflichtgesetz? Follow him for mole on Twitter @NPEllwood.