The President doth curfew his citizens too much, methinks. Out of the mouth of babes they say, well the babes are screaming. And you want to know what they are incanting? “CURFEW IN AFFECT FOR ALL CITIZENS. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOMES ONCE THE SUN HAS GONE.” It’s really quite terrifying. So far we have no apology from this administration for instating a mandatory nationwide curfew, the screaming babes, or not telling us that every baby born in the last three years can be activated at any time for public service announcements. I hate to say this, but this is not very woke of Trump.

 

woke (wōk): past of wake

 

It is not woke of Trump in the slightest to continue this crusade against our night-lives. Unlike some people, we don’t want to go to bed at 6pm ever night with the sun. The sun has abandoned us and we do not owe it anything. We live in the night to spite the sun and the president is taking that freedom away from us.

 

 

How am I ever going to meet the man of my dreams if I wake up to the sun, go to work, and then come home and sleep? You think the man of my dreams would work at my company? No way. Have you met those people? Ugh, god. There’s a lot more options in the world these days, why would I settle?

 

 

The way I don’t settle is by joining a series of different competitive adult intramural sports groups and I look for the man of my dreams there. I mean, obviously someone who devotes their off-time to being athletic sounds like dreamy material, right? The problem is I get too competitive and scare away potential mates, leaving me back at square one. At least I can throw a dope scroober now, I guess.

 

 

But now, my time down on the courts and fields and what-have-you have been cut short by our disastrous, incompetent president. If he doesn’t wake up and start paying attention to Twitter instead of just using it to let us all know about the baby thing, we are all going to be in big trouble. I just hope that the Nicaraguan news breaks soon and we can go back to being a country that works.

 

 

I also miss being able to leave my house without running into an armored patrol, but life goes.

 

 

 

 

 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who doesn’t mind the curfew because he never leaves his house anyway. Follow him for more musing on Twitter @NPEllwood.