***There is an update to this story***

 

(Stockholm, Sweden) In a hip new move, the music streaming giant Spotify has released a fun new way to show you all of the stats from the last year. This is something that they have been doing the last few years, and people love to share their streaming history, so this year was not that out of the normal. Only it was! Hidden in the fun music and catchy graphics, Spotify unveiled to the world another disturbing metric: your heartbeat.

 

That’s right, the company you know and love to read your mind is also listening to your heart. Some may say ‘Awww,’ but we say ‘No ma’am.’ This is an invasion of privacy like we have never heard of! I refuse to back down on my feelings about this.

 

Listen, internet, do your thing. We need to bring Spotify to the ground! They cannot get away with this. I am literally on hold with a member of the ACLU right now. Resist my friends, resist!

 

***update to the story***

 

So, our bad guys. Spotify just told us that they were only monitoring our heart beats to create ‘the perfect playlist.’ Open up your apps, it’s already in there.

 

This playlist is the 100 songs from the last year that made your heart rate spike. Isn’t that cool? Man, I had such a hot head back when I first wrote that story twelve minutes ago. While yes, some hackers may have heard my cry and disable the nationwide electric fence network, I’m sure that things will be fine. As they say, ‘Spotify knows best.’

 

***further update to the story***

 

We regret to inform you that Spotify is problematic. Again.

 

Unfortunately, in a series of now-related deaths, Spotify has released a statement claiming that if users had only read the terms and service, they would have known that they agreed to not sue the company should they die of an electric shock while jamming out to their Discover Weekly.

 

BURN THEM TO THE GROUND

 

***further further update to the story***

 

All of the victims of these random electric shocks were Nazis, so… I guess they’re back to woke? Idk man. I gotta go write a listicle.

 

 

 

 

 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who listened to way much electrofunkpop this year. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.