(Trenton, NJ) In a series of events that no one saw coming, local man and dude Jimmy Thornberry has found himself in quite the predicament. Over the course of Jimmy’s life, he has complimented other men only a few dozen times. On most of these occasions, Jimmy observed the code of law and remembered to say ‘no homo’ upon telling his friends they looked nice or had a cool shirt on. However, on 23 occasions, Jimmy forgot to utter the sacred phrase, thus leaving him with 23 men he now has to marry.
The first man that Jimmy complimented without remembering to say ‘no homo’ was none other than Dalton Bishop, one of his oldest friends. The two of them had been shooting hoops in Dalton’s backyard and as he hit a sick three, Jimmy shouted “Light em up, boy!” At the time, neither of the men thought anything of it, but then a few weeks later, agents from the government came and talked with us each individually about what next steps we could take.
“Listen, Jimmy, you seem like a nice kid,” began one of the agents, dressed in an oversized onesie, the official attire of their office. “But here’s the thing, you didn’t remember to say the phrase and that means you broke the law. Now, there are two options here: you can either marry Dalton as the law dictates, or you can become a wanted man. In my opinion, the choice is fairly obvious, wouldn’t you say?”
And in all fairness, Jimmy had been interested in Dalton as more than a friend for quite some time now. Meaning, he didn’t really mind being forced into marriage, as strange as that might seem. Unfortunately, Dalton did not feel the same, but Jimmy was convinced that given enough time, he would warm up to his advances.
In the meantime, the two stayed apart and somewhere along the way Jimmy racked up another 22 unintentional marriages. Some from passing comments, others from deep revelations of his soul, all legally binding.
Over time, Jimmy’s friends and family, or at least, the ones he wasn’t accidentally marrying, were abandoning him. “We can’t keep going to weddings, dude,” stated his younger sister in her letter. “You need to either get with the program or start taking responsibility for these 23 men in your life.”
Jimmy thought on this and decided that a society that allowed this to happen was not the one for him, so he thought back on the agent’s question and realized that option 2 had started to sound more appealing.
No one has seen or heard from Jimmy in years. His many husbands have started various organizations to track him down, but some have started pairing off and starting new lives with no more Jimmy to hold them together. We hope that wherever Jimmy is, he is happy, and complimenting men freely, without fear of being thrust into another marriage.
If only he had remembered to say ‘no homo,’ this whole thing could have been avoided.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who can’t believe tomorrow is the Fourth of July. What a summer, I’m never going home. Follow him for more weird on Twitter @NPEllwood.