Report: Brain Two Sentences Ahead, Mouth Struggling to Keep Up


(Chattanooga, TN) On Tuesday morning, two friends with names got together for a park bench chat. One of the friends was named Karen, the other was named Valkyrie. At around 11:23, they were in the middle of talking when Karen realized that her brain and mouth were not quite synced up. While she was currently telling Valkyrie about her latest art exhibit with her mouth, her brain was already on to the subject of existential dread. With her brain almost 2 sentences ahead, her mouth was struggling to keep up, leading her to simply vomit on the ground instead of continuing the conversation. A classic move.


Valkyrie, stunned by Karen’s sudden upheaval, was struck by the sheer confidence of such a move. Misinterpreting Karen’s waste disposal as a way of shifting the conversation away from the sore subject of her recent divorce, Valkyrie tried her best to counter Karen’s move with a simple ground spit. Unfortunately, being as she was not a pro baseball player, she did not have the proper spitting technique and ended up just drooling on herself.


Upon looking up from her embarrassing hurl, Karen expected to see a shocked friend. Instead, she was met by Valkyries stunned, drooling face. The two of them together was quite the sight and passers by were awestruck by this tour de force of friendly conversation.


Not wanting to lose the upper hand, Karen apologized for puking on the ground, only to double back over and unleash a second torrent of last night’s dinner. Let it be said that Karen is completely health and these sudden spasms are due entirely to a miscommunication between mind and mouth, although with her confidence, it seemed like this entire show had been put on on purpose.


Valkyrie, unsure of where to go from here, simply asked her friend if she was doing ok. Karen responded by grabbing her by both shoulders and looking directly into her eyes, whispering “The sun is dead and we are next.”


“What?” Valkyrie replied, even more concerned than a few seconds before.


“THE SUN IS DEAD AND WE ARE NEXT.” With this, Karen ripped off her blouse and ran across the park into a deserted parking lot, where she immediately and inexplicable disappeared from view. Stunned again for the second time in as many minutes, Valkyrie tried to follow her friend, but to no avail.


Over the next few years, Val would often think about her conversation with Karen and wonder what she could have done differently to prevent such an odd outburst and following disappearance. Since that fateful day in the park, no one had so much as seen or heard from Karen. Some say she moved to Cuba, others say she is holed up in an abandoned Wal Mart, but nothing has been confirmed.


Only Valkyrie holds out hope that her friend Karen will return, as other friends and family have given up hope. Every night, those same words rattle through her brain as she wonders what she meant when she said that we were next. It seems that only time will tell, so all we can do is wait. Wait for Karen to return. Wait for the sun to die, follow shortly by us. Wait for another chance at love between best friends.


But until then, sleep with one eye open and don’t let the sun out of your sights. I don’t trust that glowing orb any more than I can spit, which is not far at all.





This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who has seen the end of the sun, and it is beautiful. Chaotic and terrifying, yes, but beautiful all the same. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.


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