Sorry, just got around to publishing this. So, who is Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci and what does he mean for Trump’s White House? We are going to take an in-depth look at where he came from, where he has been, and where he is going. Will Trump simple turn into a puppet for The Mooch’s every whim? Will he oust out the White House of all of Bannon’s cronies and replace them with his gang of goons from Alpha Kai Trialpha? Only time will tell, but we here at Eritas Daily feel it is important to keep you informed on the real issues facing our nation. Again, sorry it took so long for me to publish this.
Let’s go back to the beginning, a very good place to start. Anthony “Tony” “Mucci Gane” Scaramucci, his given Roman Catholic name, was born on January 6, 1964. Not only did his mother hate him from the moment he was born, but so did all women he ever met. Just ask his two ex-wives, but more on that later.
The Mooch knew he was destined for greatness when, at the young age of 17, he became student body president of Paul D. Schreiber Senior High School in Port Washington New York on the 100 mile peninsula known as Long Island. No wait, we have just checked Wikipedia and it is in fact an Island. Intern Drew has been sent to the Knowledge Tower for reprogramming, Sorry about that.
Oh God man, things at the office have been crazy. It’s just, the news doesn’t stop, you know what I mean? Every day it’s healthcare this, fake news that. I am sick of this man. I want to not have my days feel like weeks and my summers last more than a blink of dark void. Ohhhhhhhh God.
The next step in the life of Jimbo Jameson Scaramucci Jones was to learn the ancient art of economics at the meadowy dews of Tufts University. Tufts is best known for its controversial school logo Pax Et Lux, which translates literally to “rich only, poor people gross.” Scaramucci earned his legendary nickname while in undergrad at Tufts U., but he also gave out quite a few nicknames. There was Leroy “Fignewton” Jackson, Mobley “Strip-search” Johnson, Becky “Dark Matter” Toranx, and so many others. What a time to be alive in the 80s and full of cocaine blood.
Next, Tony Boy Mooch went to Havard Law School. Wait what? Huh. I didn’t even know that. That’s cool. I bet that will come in handy when Trump nominates him as the next supreme court justice. When Scaramucci was asked to comment on his time at Harvard, all he had to say was “Beer pong!” Scaramucci did graduate but has never practiced law. Nope, no way. He went straight to selling his soul to the devil.
It turns out this devil was named Donald Trump, and now that Don the Inadequate has called in all of his old favors, the Mooch has joined the team. Like we said, sorry it took so long to publish this. By now, we are sure that Scaramucci is at least Vice President, if not Chief Overseer.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who hopes the Mooch is doing well. Wait a minute: No I don’t. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.