(Los Angeles, CA) The time has come. You have made your way up the list and are now so close to the top that you can almost taste it. Along this journey you have made lifelong friends as well as bitter rivals that will surely seek out revenge, but that’s for another time. All that stands between you and the title is one more group of fighters, Maroon 5. In order to become the Sovereign of Pop Rock each of them must be defeated in hand-to-hand combat. Thankfully for you, we have put together a guide on how to do exactly that.
First on our list is Sam Farrar. Sam has made a name for himself in the pop-rock scene by being the only dude to ever sleep with every sound tech on a tour. He completed this feat in 2003 on the Songs About Jane Tour and along with his sexual prowess also possesses an intimate knowledge of karate. While you may be intimidated by Farrar’s ninja kicks, a swift punch to the stomach is enough to have him tapping out. As long as you don’t get in your own head about this match-up you should be fine.
The next member of Maroon 5 that you will need to defeat is PJ Morton. PJ is notorious for his swift left hook and his ability to screech at a frequency few humans can understand. However, this piercing screech can shatter eardrums and throw off your balance when engaging in combat, so beware of this when taking him on. The best way to defeat Morton is by wearing him out early on and then pouncing on him as he tries to regroup from one of his screech attacks with a swift kick to the temple. Do this, and you should be in great shape.
Matt Flynn is next on our list of members of Maroon 5 that you must fight and he is incredibly easy to defeat. In fact, don’t even bother training to fight this guy, he is such a noob that you could probably just throw a quick punch near his face and he’ll fall down like George Michael in Arrested Development. If Flynn is your downfall, you don’t deserve to be the sovereign of pop rock.
Right in the middle of our Maroon 5 smackdown line-up is James Valentine, the Orange County Murderer. Known internationally for his savage killing spree in 1997, Valentine has never been arrested out of fear of what he would do in retaliation. Fortunately, James committed all of his murders with a pistol, so as long as you fight him hand-to-hand you should have no problem. Just make sure he doesn’t bring a gun to a fist fight.
While you might think that James Valentine sounds scary, he’s nothing compared with Mickey Madden. Known to his friends as MM, Madden lives up to his name and is in a constant fit of anger. In these fits, he is essentially invulnerable to all attacks. Only when he is stunned or otherwise pre-occupied can he be attacked. We recommend a cautious approach when fighting Mickey, as he has been known to rush his opponents right off the bat to take advantage of the element of surprise. Beat him to it and attack as soon as you can, it may be the only way to defeat him.
The penultimate Marooner you will need to defeat is known to mortals as Jesse Carmichael, but you might know him by his heavenly alias, Gabriel. That’s right, the guardian angel Gabriel spends his off time playing in a pop rock band. According to sources close to Jesse he does this to find the worst of the worst and minister to them. That being said, don’t let his ministry distract you from just how deadly he can be. If Jesse touches you at all, you may simply disappear into smoke. Avoid contact and simply attack with emotional barrages to defeat this demigod.
The final boss and last of the Maroon 5 gang is none other than Alex Levine, American heart-throb. Alex is a fighter at heart and will not be an easy fight. However, he is incredibly vain and can be distracted by lavishing him with praise. While this may hurt your own confidence, it will hurt him much more and is the only way to defeat him. Once he is down, be sure to destroy him with a finishing move that banishes him to a distant void so that he can never return to our lovely world.
Once you defeat each of these men you will be named Sovereign of Pop Rock and the keys to the kingdom will be handed over to you. If you get to this point, you will need to start preparing, because like we said earlier, each of those you defeated will be out for blood. Assemble your squad and get ready to defend your title, for your enemies won’t make the same mistakes twice.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who will fight anyone from Maroon 5 or any other pop rock band any day of the week. Tweet at him and let him know where to meet up for a whooping on Twitter @NPEllwood.