(Dallas, TX) Hey everyone, Happy New Year! We here at Eritas Daily just wanted to issue our annual reminder that even though it seems like this New Year will be different, time is actually an illusion. I know you have made resolutions, but I’m sorry to tell you that they don’t matter. All that matters is fighting the illusion.

In the interest of helping you deal with your new reality, we have put together a few tips on what to do to fight the illusion.

Number one: the first step to fighting against what you know is false is to accept that you will never be able to live a normal life again. That’s just something all woke people have to live with.

Number two: 2018 will not be any different than 2017 or a million years ago or a million years in the future. If you figure out to live with truth, please let me know, I’m still having trouble.

Number three: eat the marrow. We keep saying this again and again but you fools don’t get it. Pathetic.

Number four: listen to Jaden Smith. That kid has been to the future, no doubt. Not only will he lead us to Mars, but he will uncover the secrets of the Slime God. Listen to Jaden Smith.

Number five: last one. You will never know unless you try my guy. Be different in the new year. Be weird in the new year. Be accepting of your life and get excited about it. Adopt a dog, your life will be better for it.

Now go eat some pancakes, ya nerd.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, number one proponent of the Slime God. Follow him in 2018 on Twitter @NPEllwood.