There Are Only Two Options Left: Join the Whales or Perish


(Lihue, HI) There is an alien species that knows about us. They are relatively similar to us technologically, but biologically they are much more complex. They have not yet made contact with us, but they are watching us closely. Until just recently, they had only been documenting the movement and behavioral patterns of whales. You see, the aliens believe that whales rule the Earth and biology shows, they aren’t far off. Now that the aliens have started to observe us humans they believe the whales to be in danger. Soon they will be coming to rescue the whales from Earth, leaving us here none the wiser. There is now only two options my friends, join the whales or perish.


According to the lead Earth researchers, whales are profoundly more important to the history of the universe than humans ever will be. Blue whales, they have found, will lead the people of our solar system on to a new star once ours has burned out. They were here long before us and they will certainly be the ones to save us from ourselves.


However, the aliens believe that if the whales are left on Earth they will perish with the rest of us when the inevitable happens. Apparently, the aliens have even gone so far as to communicate with the whales without alerting humans, giving them the choice to save us or let us die.


Our sources report that the whales have a much lower view of humans than we thought. Although they are benevolent by nature, the whales have lived long enough to know that humans bring nothing but destruction to them and more so those around them. They told the aliens that they would give the humans a chance to change their minds. If we could, they would allow us to come with them on our trip to what lies ahead.


The only problem is that no one seems to believe that this is true. Our very existence hangs in the balance and I can’t even get more than 5 retweets. We must change our ways and prove to the whales that we can care about something other than ourselves enough to move mountains, thereby saving ourselves. But no.


This is my last ditch effort before I drive myself into the sea. I am hoping that the whales and the aliens will take pity on me and see me as a sort of Noah. Someone who can pass the human bloodline forward.


If you want to join me, the ferry leaves tomorrow at 2.


See you around, space hound.






This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who cannot take credit for see you around, space hound. That is a Brown original. Follow Nathan for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.


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