Hi, and welcome to Preserving Your Flesh, with Eritas Daily. In this month’s installment, we are going to tackle a common ailment that effects most millennials. We are talking about how sometimes when you work on something on a computer for a while, you end up hunched over your laptop like a gremlin. Turns out, this is not good for you, your spine, or preserving your beautiful, soft flesh. I know, I know, I sound like one of those weird-o health nuts, but trust me when I say that unless your flesh is in tip-top shape, all of us will suffer.
But, what can be done? Well, first of all, if you are hunching over like a gremlin in the hopes that you will one day turn into one, keep it up! You are obviously on your own journey and for us to distract you from that would not only be amoral, but a dick move.
However, for all my non-gremlin folk, let’s talk chiropractics. You know how in Calvin and Hobbes when the sky would tear open and a sea of voices would warn Calvin that if he kept his face like that, it would stay that way? Turns out that was the basis for modern chiropractics, meaning if you leave your body folded up like a gremlin, eventually it will stay that way. I know, we were shocked too.
Now, let’s talk solutions. First, if you must be on your laptop all day, consider investing in one of those standing desks. While you might look like a fool using this, at least you will be a healthy fool, which is all we are really going for.
Another option is to quit the work you do on your laptop and go live in the woods, away from technology. I know most of us would rather turn into a blood-thirsty gremlin than live away from our phones, but keep in mind that it is an option.
The last solution we have that we recommend won’t effect your day-to-day life at all and it doesn’t require moving in with Bon Iver, but it can sound off-putting when you first hear about it, so bear with us. Each night when you go to bed, one of our dedicated staff will sneak into your bedroom and cuff your legs and arms together. They will then place your cuffed limbs into a machine that will slowly pull you in separate directions through the night until you are returned to proper form.
We know that this can sound medieval, but trust us when we say that this method is all the rage amongst west-coast millennials, the coolest possible focus group. We hope that you consider this option.
This completes this month’s installment of Preserving Your Flesh, with Eritas Daily. Check back next month when we walk you through your basic physical examination, performed at home with simple tools. Until then, preserve that flesh my friends!
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who has accepted his gremlin fate. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.