(San Diego, CA) It was a normal day, but aren’t they always? I was minding my business, trying to work up the corporate ladder of Bongchain when all of a sudden, my entrepreneurial friend and co-founder Yessica yelled from across the office “Tevin! Bring me those scissors right away!” Without thinking, I grabbed the scissors and ran with them. Little did I know that this one action, this one decision, would change my life forever and lead to me getting lost in the criminal underworld of San Diego. But hey, that’s life.

So, let me tell you my story. You see, on that fateful afternoon when Yessica called my name, I was really trying to make a good impression on her. We had been on thin ice since the recent stock reduction and I wanted to show that I still saw her as my equal and partner. Unfortunately, I never made it to Yessica. Instead, I tripped over my own shoelaces and fell directly onto the scissors I was carrying. I don’t remember the exact details, but I found myself waking up in a hospital room.

I was told that I had been taken to San Diego Medical and was being treated for a punctured lung. You see, the scissors had gone straight through my chest, putting me into a sort of shock. The nurse was explaining how lucky I was to be alive when alarm bells started ringing from all directions. Next we heard shouting down the hall as a group of armed men came pouring down the hallway, holding the chief cardiologist at gunpoint. “We’re here for Big Jimmy,” the leader of the masked group spoke. “Hand him over and this won’t have to get ugly.”

Apparently, Big Jimmy is a leader figure in the local mob scene. I was unaware of this, so I was unsure why these men would go to such great lengths to retrieve this man from a hospital in such a dramatic fashion. My wonderment soon turned to confusion as the men came into my room, unplugging the machines I was hooked up to and whispering “We’re getting you out of here, Big Jimmy.” These men had me confused for Big Jimmy!

Well, long story short, they quickly figured out that I was not Big Jimmy when they got back to their mob base. So now they are off getting the real mob boss and I am here at the base checking my MySpace and staying up to date. They told me I can’t ‘leave,’ but I think that was a joke.

Anyways, I have gotten off track. The point of this is don’t run with scissors, kids. Look at me, I ran with them only one time (and not even on purpose) and now my life hangs in the balance of a San Diego mob boss. Not great.

Just, just don’t do it.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood. who based all of this one real people. Not really, could you imagine? Follow him for more LIES on Twitter @NPEllwood.