Dear Amazon,

 

Hi. My name is Johanna Cambridge and I am a valued Prime customer. I recently ordered and installed your new Prime Vision Inner-Eye Display™ and I am having some issues. First of all, I no longer have control over my winks and it seems that you guys are making me wink at people your algorithm thinks I belong with based on our purchase history. Not cool. Second of all, I can no longer cry. I read that this bug was supposed to be fixed and I felt like a jerk at my uncle’s funeral. Strike 2. But the thing that really gets me, the thing that really boils my egg, is that I have no idea who this person is looking back at me in the mirror and it’s bugging me out.

 

Now, I realize that you are a big company and I understand that you can’t respond to every request, but I am begging you, please help me with this. Every day full of mirrors, clean windows, and vacant phone screens reminds me that I am living with a stranger.

 

I first noticed this when I came home from the Prime store downtown where I had my Prime Vision Inner-Eye Display™ installed. I had really had to go the bathroom when I got home, so I didn’t notice the reflection in the mirror until I was washing my hands. As I went to squeeze out some soap, I looked up into the mirror and realized I had no idea who was looking back at me.

 

I thought I knew what I looked like. In fact, I think that I still do, but now with my Prime Vision Inner-Eye Display™ I am not sure if what I am seeing is real or not. No, this isn’t because I just finished watching Black Mirror, and it’s not because I started wearing glasses. I am telling you that when I look directly into what is supposed to be my own eyes, I see nothing but Void and blank space.

 

Nothing is familiar anymore. There is no comfort left to me.

 

Please help me Amazon Prime representative, you’re my only hope.

 

All my love, Johanna Cambridge.

 

P.S. Thanks for the birthday message the other day. You’re the only one who remembered.

 

 

 

 

 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who blames Bojack Horseman and Black Mirror equally for this one. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.