(Bar Harbor, ME) On the Mountain Desert Island just off the coast of Maine you can find a magical place. The island is home to both breathtaking beaches and rocky mountain paths alike and has been the destination for many travelers, from near and abroad. However, what the secret government won’t tell you and what you might very well be arrested for remembering is that Acadia is home to something more than just fun in the sun. More than just a slowly ebbing, all-encompassing fog. Beneath the lakes of this scenic island lies a horror older than the very country it inhabits: the Hydra of Acadia.
No one knows for sure where the hydra first came from, so please indulge us while we make uneducated guesses willy nilly. There is one theory that the hydra is not of our Earth, but instead an extraterrestrial beast of unknown origin, sent for purposes more unknown. Another theory believes it is simply a dinosaur that happened to be taking a dip at the time of the apocalypse and so they just kind of skipped it. However, we think that the hydra is none other than the ghost of Marquis de Lafayette.
Yes, that’s right Hamilton fans, it’s a crossover episode. During our research on this story, we discovered that the original name for the park before Acadia was Lafayette National Park, named after Marquis de Lafayette, a renowned frenchman from the revolutionary war. Lafayette was killed long ago, but we believe that the secret government held on to his ghost, refusing him the ability to haunt anyone. That was, until they opened up the Lafayette National Park in Maine and had a perfect, remote place to be rid of him.
Hoping to save on shipping, the secret government put the ghost of Marquis de Lafayette inside one of their other secrets: a hydra they had discovered while sailing the coastal waters. What no one saw coming was how well Lafayette and the hydra would get along. Soon, the pair had hatched a plan to go along with the plan, but then escape into the waters once again to live in peace. This would then put them at Acadia, where they have lived ever since.
Now, I know what you are going to ask next, “How many heads?” And it is objectively a good question, but we can’t give a definite answer. Due to the secrecy surrounding the hydra, who we should really be calling Marquis de Lafayette, no one knows how many heads he has. Some reports say 5, some say 100, but neither story has been verified. Some on the beaches have claimed to see many groups of snakes numbering in the 40s to 50s underneath the waters, only to realize they were looking at one organism. One being. One monster.
This is the craziest part though: no one is talking about this. Why? Why is no one talking about this? Washington doesn’t care, Silicon Valley is reinventing the wheel, and Miami is at a Pitbull show. Who do we have left to lead us in this time of confusion?
I guess they might be right, ignorance really is bliss. I’ll never be able to set foot in that Maine paradise again for fear of being consumed by a swarm of snake heads. But hey, that’s life.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who would wholeheartedly recommend that you go to Acadia at some point for real. It’s pretty dope. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.