The world of internet dating can be daunting at the best of times, but that’s why I, Maggie, your dating app goddess, am here to give you a comprehensive list of dudes that you should just avoid from the get go. Seriously. Do yourself a favor and swipe left babe, you deserve better.
- The dude who puts his height in his profile and then says something super passive aggressive, like “because apparently that’s important?”
My man, if you didn’t think it was important at some level, you wouldn’t’ve included it in the first place. We’re all on the same dating app, it’s okay to not be too cool for the rest of us.
- The dude who puts “If you’re feeling down I can feel you up” in his profile.
No … just … no.
- The dude who puts “You get what you put in, so put your ass in!” in his profile.
… put my ass in what exactly? No thanks.
- The dude who puts “I’m 6’8”. Those are two different measurements.” in his profile.
*I don’t know how to put the WOAH DREAM BIG gif from Juno here, can you do that? Thx*
- The dude who puts fake reviews of himself from his mother and other celebrities in his profile.
Like, I believe that your mother said that you’re “ten stars out of ten, a great catch!” but I’m less inclined to think that John Cena wrote that he would be okay with you marrying his daughter. Does John Cena even have a daughter? CHECK MATE BRO.
- The dude who finally messages you, only to say “tits.”
Yeah, that’s worked ever.
- The dude who puts “Don’t be shy/Message me, I don’t bite ; )” in his profile.
Spoiler alert people: this dude definitely bites, and he likely doesn’t ask first, which is the real problem here. Also, he may be Ed Gein? Yikes. BIG yikes.
- The dude who “likes to live in the moment.”
*Okay, could you put the gif of Tina Fey in 30 Rock rolling her eyes here?*
- The dude whose profile is just his handles on other social media accounts.
This dude gets swiped left extra hard if he takes the time to type out each account even though the names are all exactly the same. I’m not on here for somebody who’s inefficient like that.
- The dude whose profile just says “Hobbies include magnets.”
If you’re going to reference somebody, it probably shouldn’t be this guy:
*Charlie Kelly gif where he says I’m going to smack everyone into tiny, little pieces*
- The dude whose profile just says “Ya like jazz?”
Jazz: great. Anthropomorphic bees voiced by Jerry Seinfeld: not so much.
*gif of Barry, obvi*
- The dude who’s holding a PBR in his pic.
*the gif of the dude slicing through a bunch of PBRs with a sword would be a great add here https://imgur.com/gallery/Q20wP33*
- The dude who has exclusively group pics in which all of the other dude have the same White Boy Haircut.
WHICH ONE ARE YOU?
- The dude whose profile says “I drink and I know things.”
Yeah, well most of us drink to forget, so thanks for rubbing THAT in. Double points for an overused reference.
- The dude whose profile says “I haven’t had a match since 2015.”
Yeah, neither have the rest of us. That’s why we’re all still here in Dating App Hell.
*gif of Mr. Krabs playing the world’s smallest violin*
- The dude who “cooks better than your mam” or who’s “butt is probably better than yours TBH.”
A.) Don’t you dare try to one up Amy like that when you don’t even know her, and B.) that’s basically impossible and anybody who has ever had the honor of seeing my butt can attest to that.
- The dude who is “willing to lie about how we met” or “will tell your mother we met at church.”
Listen buckaroo, I’ve seen enough Hallmark original movies to know that a relationship built on lies will ultimately go through that super awful patch 3/4ths of the way through the movie of whatever it is that we have together. And I always fast-forward through that part. Unnecessary angst is not the name of my game.
- The dude whose job description just says “vaper.”
Sorry, I don’t date high schoolers.
- The dude who just puts “I hope Daenerys dies” in his profile.
Alright y’all, this dude either trying to A.) get a rise out of you or B.) is so far gone that nobody can save him except Jesus. So just swipe left.
This article was written by Maggie McAlister, who once sent a potato to a long-suffering friend in the mail that just had “haha and then what ; )” written on it in Sharpie (sadly it was lost in transit). Slide into her DMs on Twitter @MadMaggs21, but keep it rated G guys.