(Austin, TX) We have just received word that the Austin City Council called an emergency session late Monday evening and have officially voted in unanimous fashion to rename the city “Xantothar.” This comes as a complete surprise to many Austin citizens, leaving them to ask such questions as “Who is in the city council?” “What does Xantothar even mean?” and “Does this mean the end has come?” Thankfully, along with their press release and warning of coming plagues, the Austin City Council has always pledged to answer any and all questions.
We take you now to a re-creation of the interview:
Interviewer: Hello City Council members, thank you for joining us this morning.
City Council, in synchronized melody: You’re welcome.
I: Why don’t you take a seat, my friends?
CC: We prefer to stand.
I: Well yes, sure, that’s fine. I have brought you all here today to answer a few questions from citizens and open a dialogue with you about why you have chosen to rename Austin to Xantothar. First question: Why?
CC: You mortals believe that the secrets of the stars are yours to know. You are all fools, wandering in the void. We have been chosen. We are cosmic and do not operate under the same laws of the universe as you pathetic scum. Also, Xantothar is a pretty badass name, I mean you gotta admit that.
I: I guess I do have to give you that, I’ll acknowledge that. Next question: What does it mean?
CC: Were you not listening, you oafish ghoul? The secrets of Xantothar are above your pay-grade, so to speak. Your brain has not yet evolved to comprehend these subjects of which we speak. Maybe one day you will get there, but it’s not very likely. But tbh with you, we thought that renaming the city Xantothar would pretty much guarantee we get the 2nd Amazon headquarters, so that was mainly it.
I: Wait, let me get this straight: you renamed the city just to impress Jeff Bezos, hoping he will pick Austin as the location of HQ2?
I: Well I’m satisfied.
With that, the city council rose in unison and made their way seamlessly through the wall and into the void, in their normal fashion. I guess we have nothing left to do but accept that this is way things are now. Might as well make the most of it, right guys?
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who loves to make fun of the ol ATX, the ol 512, the ol Horseshoes city, the ol Clown Connection, the Big Sleazy. You know, Austin. Follow him on Twitter for more #localhumor @NPEllwood.