Hey you! You were able to make a considerable sum of cash by selling Joe Biden’s hair on the street, way to go! Congratulations on succeeding at wealth! Now comes the age old question: what to spend it on? Well don’t you worry, we are prepared for this scenario. That’s right, we have 5 things that you can, and quite possible should, do with that money. Let’s get this party started.

 

1. Invest in the economy. 

A classic choice for a classic man? Investing in the economy is what smart people have been doing for generation. Never has this system failed and we blindly trust it because we are told too, so how could that not warrant a good return? Invest in the economy, it’s what Ronald Reagan wanted.

 

2. Dive headlong into a food truck business. 

What better way to celebrate your glorious wealth than by plunging yourself deep into debt trying to grow a food truck eatery? All the greats have done it. And although you lose everything, it only motivates you to build something else all over again. That’s what winners do. So, are you a winner? And do you want to buy my old food truck from me? I’ll give you a good deal on it. Text me.

 

3. Buy land in the Null Zone. 

There has never been a better time to invest in Null Zone real estate than RIGHT NOW! We are moving plots like you would not believe and soon all of the Null Zone will be taken over by trendy hipsters and you won’t be invited. By in the Null Zone now! Embrace the Null Zone!

 

4. Go see Phish 12 straight times at Madison Square Garden. 

We know it’s everyone’s dream to see a 12 day Phish jam at the ol’ MSG and what better time than now? Just embrace the dream, embrace the fantasy, get lost in a whirlwind of love at the Phish show.

 

5. Figure out how to go back in time and eliminate suffering from the world. 

We know this is a hefty request, but we are putting our faith in you. With the money that you made selling Joe Biden’s hair on the street, we need you to figure out how to make time travel real. Not only that, but we need you to pinpoint the exact moment when suffering was introduce to the world and then we need you to somehow interrupt that thing that happens, changing the course of history. We hope for the better, but these are uncharted territories. There be paradoxes and plot-holes here.

 

Or, you know, just do whatever you want. That’s what Joe deserves.

 

 

 

 

 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who knows the secrets of the Null Zone. Meet me in the Mirny Mine when the sun goes out, we’ll go from there. Follow him for more paranoia on Twitter @NPEllwood.