(Seattle, WA) In a new sweeping change in legislation, the Trump administration has done it again. Only this time, it’s about our clothes. That’s right. By law it is now illegal to purchase clothing from anywhere other than Nordstrom Rack. The ruling does not clarify if you can shop at regular Nordstrom stores or even purchase Nordstrom Rack clothing from a third party distributer. It simply says that all citizens must now shop at Nordstrom rack exclusively and that starting in a few weeks, anyone caught on the street in ‘forbidden clothing’ will be subject to penalties from fines to arrests. This is not a joke, citizens. We must go to the Rack.
When you first hear about something like this, it doesn’t seem so bad. “I’ve had good experiences with Nordstrom Rack before,” you think. But think harder. Have you really had good experiences? Or has a culture of relying upon the opinions of others made you forget whether you are simply parading someone else’s experiences as your own or you truly experienced a good feeling while shopping at Nordstrom Rack. That seems like something that happened, but do you know? Makes you think.
Then, you start to wonder a little bit more. Why Nordstrom Rack in particular? Well here is where things get swanky. Ivanka Trump, heiress to the Presidency probably, has a line of clothes being sold at Nordstrom rack at this very moment. Could the president be advocating people spend money on something his family owns, thereby earning him a profit? Is there any history of such behavior? Oh wait.
And finally, though you may associate fond memories with Nordstrom Rack, this is how it starts. Every popular dystopia of the last few decades has had the same thing in common: all the oppressed people wear dull clothing so that they are seen as less than, as a group, not individuals. What happens when we all start wearing grey sweaters over grey khaki pants? That’s when we’ve lost.
So, I say to you, my people, do not rush out to Nordstrom Rack like the fools you see on television. We will not be told what to wear and where to buy our clothes. We will do what we please because this is American dammit.
Also, those stores are basically war zones because Nordstrom Rack definitely doesn’t have enough clothes for the entire population so just avoid the areas of your city that have Nordstrom Racks.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who truly believes this might come up in a job interview later in his life and boy will he laugh about it. Because life is hilarious. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.