Tired of your phone plan? Tired of your nagging drone pet? Tired of the world? Well I have something that I think you are looking for. It’s called apocalypse insurance and it’s the latest and greatest innovation in the insurance industry. How does it work? Who cares! Let’s just talk about how we can get you signed up.

Who am I? Well I am glad you asked. I am a gruff white man in a suit. Some who you trust innately and believe has your best interests at heart. Is this true? Let’s not get into that. No, let’s talk more about what you will do when the apocalypse happens.

And trust me, it will happen. Trust me. We don’t know when, but our experts are predicting soon. All we know is that you need to be prepared for when that time comes and make sure you are insured for that inevitable catastrophe. It could be a flood. It could be a volcano. It could be nothing at all. That’s not up to me, that’s up to you.

So what’s it gonna be, kid? Do you want to be ready for the end of the world? Or do you want to be a ninny? I don’t throw that term around, by the way. I want you to feel it.

Okay, so I haven’t convinced you. That’s fine. I will.

Now, imagine you are walking down the street and you see a lobster coming down the lane. You wonder what this lobster is doing there in the street. After all, you have never seen a lobster anywhere but in the aquarium or at a fancy diner, what is it doing there? Then you see the next lobster. And the next. Soon, you are overcome by lobsters. What are you going to do then? Will your kids be alright without you?

Apocalypse insurance will protect you from duplicating lobsters. How can I make this any clearer.

I’m gruff. I’m white. I have a beard and I am wearing a suit. You can trust me.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who wants to tell everyone that his dog is the best dog. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.