Guess What? The Man of Your Dreams is This Ominous Floating Orb


Wow, what a day! You are being introduced to the man of your dreams. How exciting! Be sure to thank the executive council for selecting you, as not everyone gets to meet their soulmates. But don’t think of them, for you are no longer a Them, but an Us. And we welcome you with open arms. Oh, here he comes, the man you have always dreamt of. That’s him there, just beyond the tree line. Yes, the ominous floating orb! That’s him! Way to go guys. Love wins again. Whew.


I apologize for that, my friends. I just get excited by love, you know? Oh man. So, now that you both have been selected, you are immediately moved up to level 7 and with that come some exciting benefits. For instance, you no longer have to acknowledge any level 1 or 2s at all. Just pretend they don’t exist.


You now also get access to the level 9 tennis courts. This is a high honor, as most of the Society’s great conversations have taken place on these courts. Not quite the top, but ready to take over. Ambition is everywhere on the level 9 tennis courts, so make sure you are prepared. Not everyone is ready like they think they are. Many perish.


Now, to some administrative stuff. Your lodging is provided by your local government agencies and bureaus free of charge. All we hope is that you will remember us come tax season, as we do love to see people invest in their local area


For you and Mr. Ominous Orb, you will only have to stay in this lodging for a few weeks. The monthly ceremony is coming up, so you won’t have a long wait time. Perfect timing, you two. Ugh, so jealous. I always wanted a February wedding. It’s so damp and dreary, it really slickens my boat deck, you know?


Sorry, I’m getting off topic.


After the ceremony, you will have approximately one year to enjoy your union or be destroyed. Again, sorry about this, but we don’t make the rules.


Your soulmate might be an orb, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make this work. We have seen stranger pairings than you and they have found happiness, so why not you?


Why not you, right?






This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who welcomes the orb overlords and can’t wait to meet his soulmate orb one day. Hmm, one day. Follow him for more  ORB  on Twitter @NPEllwood.

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