Step one: Build up for 5 years an anger and resentment towards your partner. Preferably over money or family or both. The messier, the better. Once you have done this, you will want to throw off your boo by making a nice breakfast on Presidents Day morning, maybe some vegan pancakes? You know they are all the rage. Make sure to use coconut flour instead of regular in case any of your friends are vegan. For real, we don’t mess around. Once your boo leaves, your time begins. Get ready for the romantic gesture of the century.
Step two: You need to bleed. A lot. Mainly in the kitchen, but then clean it up, poorly. You know, like your boo would.
Step three: Fake the crime scene. But make it look fake, you know? Yeah, you get it. You get this reference.
Step four: You will have needed to have spent roughly 80 hours composing a fake diary that will eventually lead police to indict your boo on charges of murdering you. We know we sprung this on you pretty late here, but we’re hoping-Oh, you already have one ready? Oh, cool. Moving on.
Step five: Start running. It doesn’t really matter where. I head the Ozarks are beautiful this time of year, but you remember what happened to Amy. Maybe just grab an Indefinite Airbnb in a small town in Ohio. No one believes Ohio exists anyway, so no one will think to look there!
Step six: Whoops! You lost your stowaway money. Don’t ask how, just adapt. Hmm, think. You have a string of ex-lovers that will all do anything you say, but which one to choose? Ah yes, the creepiest one. Go to him!
Step seven: Great, now you’re suck at Patrick Gilman’s private lake house with no escape. Better figure something out pal! Your boo is still pretty sure they are going to be put in jail for your murder. Wait, is that a box cutter?
Step eight: You’ve escaped, you’re covered in blood, you’re a queen. Now that you are back with your boo, things might be tense. After all, these have been a stressful few weeks. But don’t worry! You’ll get to decompress the whole thing over the next few weeks in front of everyone on national television. Wow! Free therapy. That’s nice, I wish I had that.
Step nine: Now that you have gone through all of this, you lie with your boo on the bed and stare each other in the eyes. All of this has brought you closer. All of this has made your love something for the ages. And yet, all you can think is:
“What have we done to each other?”
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who would like you to know that this is a reference to the beloved and timeless film Ladybird. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.