A la Her, I have fallen in love with something not quite human. I have fallen in love with my Spotify Discover Weekly playlist. At first is was wonderful, we would listen to indie covers of our favorite songs together. But now, they think that that is all I want. And while at first we bonded over our love of the Arctic Monkeys, my tastes have matured and I think they have a thing for Alex Turner. I just can’t take it anymore. I thought this is what I wanted, but I don’t think it is. I need to figure out a way to tell them that I want to break up, but how do I do that?
I know what you’re thinking, how did we start the relationship in the first place? Right. Well, that’s a little bit complicated. Like I said, they first began flirting with me by one week giving me a playlist with nothing but the song “R U Mine?” I replied by typing “Yes” into the search bar, which they interpreted as an indication of my affection, but in all honesty I just wanted to listen to “Owner of a Lonely Heart.”
It progressed again when a few weeks later my weekly playlist was nothing but songs titled “Love.” I felt as if I was failing in my own return of these gestures, as I was going through a Joey Bada$$ phase and he doesn’t exactly write love songs. I decided to make a change and started listening to a lot of Coldplay and other crooners who know a thing or two about love.
Soon, we were in perfect sync, and even though it had started as a sort of accident, I was truly enjoying my time with my Discover Weekly. I would write notes to them all week and then I would wait for their response in my playlist each Monday. It was great for me and just the level of commitment I was looking for in a relationship.
But then Spotify started coming out with daily mixes, and our relationship was tested. I would receive passive aggressive messages in my weekly playlists and despite my best attempts to satiate them, they repeatedly ask me if I was fooling around with “those dailies.” I told them no, but by the time Friday started rolling around, they started to look more tempting.
“I told you,” I typed into the search bar one Sunday evening. “Those dailies mean nothing to me. It’s just, I miss you on the weekends and you can only give me so much each week. I wish there were no restrictions.”
I thought this would be romantic. I thought this would earn me some brownie points. Instead, ever since we have been on the ropes. I want to break up, not just to listen to daily mixes, but to get back to my Netflix list. I had more going on then just my Discover Weekly, I needed more.
I just don’t think they understand, you know? I don’t know what to tell them. I am all they have ever known and I feel as if breaking up will destroy them. Also, it’s not like I will be able to survive without my weekly playlist, they give me strength.
This article is written by Nathan Ellwood, who appreciates the weird covers of Beyonce songs he always gets, but at least he didn’t fall in love with the dang thing, right? Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood