Mark Zuckerberg Apologizes For Accidentally ‘Disrupting’ Democracy


(Silicon Valley, CA) A recent report issued by the FBI claims that Facebook had a significant influence in the 2016 United States Presidential election, even allowing Russian bots to spread misinformation on a widespread scale. Responding to claims that his company had been “un-American” and “kind of shady” in the latest democratic process, Mark Zuckerberg issued a statement to all Facebook users apologizing on behalf of himself and the company, concluding with a somber “My bad.” What does this mean for the future when a billionaire without enough control of his creation can change history, even, some might say, ‘disrupt’ Democracy? Let’s talk it out.


First, we will hear from people who believe that Mark Zuckerberg did nothing wrong, followed by a few more people who think he should be burned at the stake. Then, you decide which opinions you like and harass the opposition on Twitter, per a new national ruling. Commence!


Ashley from Minnesota. 18. Pro-Zuckerberg. “I don’t get why people are getting mad at him. Listen, I know a thing or two about espionage and what the Russians were able to pull off will be studied for years to come. I say, good for them. Now, obviously there should be a recall or something, but honestly all I care about is how cool Russia is, not how complicit Zuckercorn is. 


Jenson from New Jersey. 37. Pro-Zuckerberg. “Listen man, that’s not the fake news. The fake news is the stuff coming out of liberal leftists with their underwear in a twist. I love America because of everything they want to take away from me: guns and that’s it. I don’t care if Russia ‘hacked’ us, all I want to do is shoot stuff with my gun, and if we end up going to war, I’ll get to do that all the time! Win-win.” 


Sangar from California. 59. Pro-Zuckerberg. “My son is a modestly wealth real estate agent thanks to Zuckerberg, so in my eyes he can do no wrong. And boy let me tell you, I’ve seen him do some pretty messed up shit.” 


And now the Pro-Democracy side. Really? Pro-Democracy? OK. We get it.


Eileen from Connecticut. 42. Pro-Democracy. “Listen, I’m no ethics lawyer, oh wait I super am, but nothing will stand in my way from bringing down both an administration and a business that have so little regard for other human beings. I am committed to dedicating my entire career to bring down these fascists, there oligarchs, to justice, or my name isn’t Eileen Justice. Yep, that’s my real name.” 


Swisher from Idaho. 29. Pro-sick backlips. “Yeah man, I don’t think the whole Russian interference in our democracy was very cool, and I don’t think Zuckerberg not doing anything or even worse abating their efforts should warrant anything less than jail time, but I also don’t think that obeying laws or wearing leather jackets makes you cool, so maybe I’m not the best judge here.” 


Clarissa from Georgia. 7. Pro-People. “Eat the rich.”


And there you have it: The News.





This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who has had a weird day/week/life. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.


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