Being Woke Wasn’t Always Cool, We Used to Get Burned at the Stake


(Philadelphia, PA) I have lived a long life. An unnaturally long life if we’re being honest. I have seen empires rise and fall. I have seen the world’s greatest talents and I have seen genius trapped beneath the rubble. However, the one thing that has always bugged me, the one thing I will never get over, is this: people need to realize that it wasn’t always cool to be woke. In fact, we actually used to get burned at the stake for it. All I want is for the wokes of today to learn some of their own history and acknowledge that being woke is more than buying a snappy tee, it’s a lifestyle choice.


Let me tell you a story about my friend Henry. Henry was a pretty average guy, living an average life, until one day, Henry got a bee in his bonnet. Henry started to believe that he was enlightened, that his third eye had been opened, so to speak. Not only did he believe this, but he also had convinced himself that his third eye could see messages written in the stars. You want to know what happened to him? He was burned at the stake. His name? Henry Astrology.


Want to hear another one? I had this friend named Dana. I liked Dana. We took rocks together in school and really bonded over smashing and both disagreed that only peasants crushed. Then one day, Dana came to me and told me that she knew a secret, a secret that would destroy our world. She told me that before us, giant lizards had ruled the world. Until one day a giant flaming ball crashed into the world, simultaneously destroying the lizards and bringing us to Earth from our home planet. You know what happened to her? She was burned at the stake. Her name? Dana Science.


Alright, alright, I get it. “How many examples are you going to do?” Just one more.


This one is more recent. I had this buddy who was actually named Buddy. Buddy was a woodworker and everyone seemed to like him. Buddy never really had dreams other than being a woodworker. Then, one day, Buddy sees a vision during a bad trip and starts to believe that he is the son of a great cosmic being that is responsible for every good thing on earth. Buddy began to spread his message of hope, but was soon lost to the visions and never recovered. You want to know what happened next? I think you already know. He was burned at the stake. His name? Buddy Scientology.


This is what I am saying folks: don’t say you’re woke until you understand what that truly means. To die for a cause. To live for one. Learn a little about my friends Henry, Dana, and Buddy, and when your third eye opens, keep your mouth shut about it. That is, unless you like fire.





This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is only concerned with the spirit of Portland. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.


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