(Whoville, USA) Greetings, fellow citizens. We have some alarming news. The infamous criminal and downright evil being known as “The Grinch” has announced a plan to take down the ‘capitalist hell-hole’ known as the United States of America. Now, we all know that The Grinch has had a bit of an anarchist-maoist-socialist-communist streak as of late and it seems he is taking things to the next level. I could hardly utter the name Grinch after that whole fiasco with Christmas, but now he wants to come for our way of life and I see no option but direct action. This is not a joke. We must defeat The Grinch for the security of our nation, or else.
Actually, that part we’re not really sure on. The Grinch has announced that he has a plan, but has not laid out any specifics. So, as you guess, it’s time to HYPOTHESIZE. WILDLY!
Hypothesis Un: The Grinch plans to take down major corporations that are fueled by glutton and greed. Namely, Amazon, Apple, and Roku. He will do this by using his crafty tricks and tricky crafts to pull off some mad caper, similar to the original Grinch story. This plan is not super original, but if we are looking for a pattern, this is all we have to work with.
Hypothesis Deux: Now, thinking a little bit more outside the box. The Grinch begins campaigning for a lowly position in the Alaskan government. Over time, he will work his way up the ladder of Alaskan politics until he stands atop Sarah Palin’s family van and plants a flag in it. Then, he will start a motion for Alaska to leave the United States, forming a socialist country under the name “Ginchland.” The Grinch, a notoriously bad speller, accidentally forget the ‘r’ in his own name, leaving the name Ginchland. After coming together with his citizens in perfect unity, The Grinch would then launch Ginchland into a war with the U.S., whereby they would somehow win and take control, turning the former U.S.A. into a colony of Ginchland and spreading their communist ways. The Grinch would then reveal himself to be simply a tool of The Void and the world as we know it would fall into oblivion.
Hypothesis Trois: He starts a very successful Tumblr blog. Somehow this takes down the U.S. government, I’m not sure how, but weirder things have happened.
Hypothesis Quatre: The Grinch will hide in a lake until all of humanity is long and forgotten. The Grinch is immortal, obviously. Once we are all gone, it will be The Grinch and the animals that remain. They will walk down a vine covered Broadway and a broken 5th Avenue and laugh and laugh. They will have won and we will be nothing but dust, the ultimate revenge.
Hypothesis Cinq: The Grinch educates the masses on the inherent violence of capitalism and how if we don’t stop ourselves soon we will have nothing left to consume. He would then host a public trial for Jeff Bezos where we would use all his wealth to launch him on a one way journey to the stars, just like he always wanted. Really fling him out there. Elon Musk can go too.
That’s about all we got until The Grinch tells us more. Check back later, or not.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who was very influenced by The Grinch when it comes to his opinions on so many things from capitalism to the singing abilities of Taylor Momsen. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.