Don’t Talk to Me Until I’ve Had My Morning Scream


Ugh, isn’t it just so annoying when you are just trying to go about your morning routine, and people keep talking to you? Listen, I am a pretty outgoing person, but in the mornings it takes some time for me to get going. I need a few hours of practice remembering how to be a human before I can even think of engaging in conversation with you. Listen, I don’t know how to put it any simpler: don’t talk to my until I’ve had my morning scream. End of discussion.


Or, not exactly, because apparently people need me to clarify my comments. Each morning, I have a very set routine. First, I wake up with my first alarm, because I’m a winner. Then, I brush my teeth to get the ghost grease off, a tradition my grandmother taught me. Following the brushing, I peel off my lizard skin that has accumulated in the night. Finally, I go into my soundproof closet and scream. The duration of the scream varies, but unless I get in some good decibels, my whole day is off.


Take last week for example. I was on a work trip and had forgotten to request a room with a scream cabinet. I realized my mistake too late as I woke up in the morning and had nowhere to scream. I tried in the bathroom, but it wasn’t the same and I was self conscious the whole time. The entire day I kept trying to find a place to let off some of that steam that had been building up, but I was so busy I never got my scream. On top of that, I was so preoccupied by trying to find a place to scream that I forgot all of the important information for my job.


This is why we need inclusive architecture. I am tired of living in a world that won’t let me scream in the privacy of my own home, workplace, or favorite book store. I’m looking at you, Wellingtons. I love you, but I gotta get my scream on sometimes when I am in your store and I overhear a man trying to impress a woman by explaining feminism to her in the gender studies section. I need that escape! I need the scream!


Just, if you care about me and you see me in the mornings and I don’t look like I want to talk: you’re right. I do not want to talk to anyone before my morning scream, because I often end up screaming at my fellow man. I don’t want that. I just want to scream for the release.


Please, whoever is in charge of these things, let me scream.







This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who prefers yodeling. lol. Nah, I’m just kidding. Yodeling sucks. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.

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