(Seattle, WA) In the homeland of coffee we find ourselves, surrounded by large coffee laying hens and next to espresso bushes we find the person we came to speak with: The Coffee Sage. This being is not entirely human, but we also don’t know what else they could be, so we’ll just call them Sage for short. Sage has allowed us to come into his inner sanctuary (the Starbucks on Seneca) to unveil what each method of preparing coffee says about the people who do it and how it relates to their impending doom. Are you ready for the word of the Sage?

 

Automatic Coffee Maker

As someone who is always on the go, the automatic coffee maker is perfect for you. You need your energy boost in the morning and you need it fast. Who else is going to sell the business and help the economy? This on the go attitude is not just for work, everything you do is a competition. In fact, it will be competition that leads to your untimely demise. I can’t say much other than be very aware of when there is a forklift in the room. That’s all I can say. 

 

French Press

As someone who uses a French Press, you obviously care a lot about culture and coffee. Like, you don’t enjoy coffee the way other people do, those plebs. You enjoy coffee the way the universe intended when it smashed together and created life. The French Press sets you on a higher plane of being and there is no reason for you to apologize for that. Unfortunately, it will be this same love for French Press coffee that will be your undoing. You may not understand it now, and you may never truly comprehend it, but it is coming with a swiftness, so stay alert. 

 

Aeropress

Oh god, you use an aeropress? I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was talking to some sort of king. These babies are excessive and here for the drama, just like you. You can’t wait to here the dirt on all of your friends, but you never tell anyone what you hear because that would ruin it. In the same way, you should probably not tell people that you own an aeropress if you don’t want to be robbed. Your impending doom is far too delicious for me to tell you anything about it, but let’s just say I hope you like avocados. 

 

Pour Over

We get it, you like Neutral Milk Hotel. I mean, right? Using a pour over is a wonderful way to prepare coffee, but why so many steps? Like pour over coffee, you are needlessly complicated and seem to think everyone cares about that. And they do, because they love you. All we are saying is sometimes you tell some pretty long stories and at this point we get that you enjoy the taste of pour over. Just, let someone else speak. Obviously your doom is rather poetic, as it has to do with the gnashing of teeth. Can’t really say more, but might want to brush up on Revelations. 

 

Keurig 

I just have one question for you: do you even like coffee? Like many things in life, you wanted to join the movement but then when the time came to get your feet wet you did the bare minimum required. A Keurig is disrespectful to me, it’s disrespectful to coffee, and it’s disrespectful to America. I’m sorry, I must admit that this isn’t a fair doomsaying. My heart was broken once by a Keurig I met in Baltimore. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same. And neither will you when you are destroyed by an all-powerful being for no reason other than the random happenstance of fate. So, enjoy!

 

And that does it. Until the next time the Coffee Sage summons us, we wish you farewell.

 

 

 

 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who loves Vince Staples. There, I said it. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.